Not a Baby anymore.

My baby turned 1. I thought I was sad about it, then I realized that sad was not the way I should be. It was just a year ago that we were just a twist of fate away from mourning our loss instead of celebrating our gain. I look at her today and that tiny, less than 6 pound newbie that put my life and hers at risk just one year ago is a fleeting memory. Now she is a toddling ball of energy, taking her first steps and chasing her brothers; whom she adores. Her vocabulary is still limited to DaDa, MaMa, and a head shake for No, but she is never at a loss to express her feeling for a situation. My heart can still ache for a moment when I recall how close of a call we had, but it bleeds with elation when I see her big 'ol blues! She is our baby girl, will always be.
I've been reflecting on how not just her birth, but her being has changed me not only as a mother, but as a woman. As a mother to two boys I had ideals of the type of Mom I wanted to become. Soccer Mom extraordinaire, at every game and karate match Mom, snacks and juice boxes chilled Mom, carpooling Mom, homemade cookies after school Mom, fit and hip Mom, the cool Mom with rules, the house all their buddies wants to hang out at. THAT Mom. Then she came along and now I want to be all that and dance recital Mom, my girl can play any sport she wants Mom, Yes you can take my daughter out and her brothers will be watching you Mom, the she can talk to me about anything Mom, the someday I'll be her best friend Mom. Yes she has driven me to change and elaborate on the type of Mom I want to become, but she has made even bigger changes in the woman that I am. I will no longer say things negative about myself when someone throws me a compliment. I love my body as natural and beautiful, confident in myself. I will not stand in the mirror pinching my love handles, lifting my boobs, poking and prodding as I wrinkle my nose. Instead I will do my best to be a healthy role model for a positive body image. The world if full of people who will try and tell her she is fat and ugly and if she buys product A and B or has this surgery she will be "beautiful". I want to be her living lesson that real beauty is in the unique art that nature has created and given to her. It will emanate from the inside, cause no matter how much you pretty up the outside, you can't surgically remove the ugly from inside. I want to eliminate the self loathing issues that my mother passed down to me by always being on a diet, always trying to lose just 10lbs no matter her weight, always seeing herself as less than beautiful as I see her. For that I must change the way I see myself. No more name calling or constant criticism from me about me. Leading by example for all of my children to just be healthy and happy in the vessel you have in this life. I knew Jer could be a great example to the boys of what kind of Man to be. You work hard for what you have, treat others with respect, be playful with your children, be loving and soft to your wife, make time for family, opens doors, say please and thank you, tip well, work smarter not harder, and most of all crying when you are sad is not weak. Now I must be the example for a another woman, her father will do a stellar job showing her how a man should be treating her and her brothers will make sure that they do, but it is me who will have to show her how to hold her head up and knock them out at the same time.
Yes my baby is 1 already. No more babies for us, just a life full of growing and changing, for the positive always, I hope. We will climb mountains together, we five. FIVE! Holy moly!

To be continued......