I always feel like I have to have something funny or profound to right about when I come here. I forget that much of what fills ours days is a bit more than nothing. It's kinda nice to just blabber.
Mom picked up Tristan from school today, he was very surprised and excited to see her. He spent the rest of the day with them, playing games, having lunch, and helping Grandma plant. They also made cookies, he brought some home. And I was doing so well.
Zander was feeling and looking better today. He talked a mile a minute to make up for his two days of illness. We spent some time swinging and playing outside. He really gets lonely when Tristan is gone for too long. By 2 he came up "Mom, I got my shoes on. We go get Tristan now."
"No Zander, we don't need to."
"Yes, we NEED to pick up Tristan from school."
"Honey, Tristan is not at school."
"Tristan not at school?"
Puzzled look reveals wheels turning in head.
"Want to go to Grandma's house too!"
He's that smart. Or we're just that predictable. They are growing up so fast either way. I can barely remember Zander being the baby anymore, he's so big.
Miriam is taking many more steps more often. She practices all the time and has been experimenting with climbing. She can scale onto Zander's bed, but gets a little scared when it comes to getting off. She can get herself onto and off of her ride on toys rather gracefully. Mims is also dabbling with her sense of humor, being silly then waiting for you to laugh. She still likes to play in clothes, hide and seek is a favorite, and lots and lots of tickles. And like her brothers she seems to like a good rush, no fear. They'll be my little stunt team.
As for me I am finally tired. Will I actually sleep soon, who knows.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Not a Baby anymore.
My baby turned 1. I thought I was sad about it, then I realized that sad was not the way I should be. It was just a year ago that we were just a twist of fate away from mourning our loss instead of celebrating our gain. I look at her today and that tiny, less than 6 pound newbie that put my life and hers at risk just one year ago is a fleeting memory. Now she is a toddling ball of energy, taking her first steps and chasing her brothers; whom she adores. Her vocabulary is still limited to DaDa, MaMa, and a head shake for No, but she is never at a loss to express her feeling for a situation. My heart can still ache for a moment when I recall how close of a call we had, but it bleeds with elation when I see her big 'ol blues! She is our baby girl, will always be.
I've been reflecting on how not just her birth, but her being has changed me not only as a mother, but as a woman. As a mother to two boys I had ideals of the type of Mom I wanted to become. Soccer Mom extraordinaire, at every game and karate match Mom, snacks and juice boxes chilled Mom, carpooling Mom, homemade cookies after school Mom, fit and hip Mom, the cool Mom with rules, the house all their buddies wants to hang out at. THAT Mom. Then she came along and now I want to be all that and dance recital Mom, my girl can play any sport she wants Mom, Yes you can take my daughter out and her brothers will be watching you Mom, the she can talk to me about anything Mom, the someday I'll be her best friend Mom. Yes she has driven me to change and elaborate on the type of Mom I want to become, but she has made even bigger changes in the woman that I am. I will no longer say things negative about myself when someone throws me a compliment. I love my body as natural and beautiful, confident in myself. I will not stand in the mirror pinching my love handles, lifting my boobs, poking and prodding as I wrinkle my nose. Instead I will do my best to be a healthy role model for a positive body image. The world if full of people who will try and tell her she is fat and ugly and if she buys product A and B or has this surgery she will be "beautiful". I want to be her living lesson that real beauty is in the unique art that nature has created and given to her. It will emanate from the inside, cause no matter how much you pretty up the outside, you can't surgically remove the ugly from inside. I want to eliminate the self loathing issues that my mother passed down to me by always being on a diet, always trying to lose just 10lbs no matter her weight, always seeing herself as less than beautiful as I see her. For that I must change the way I see myself. No more name calling or constant criticism from me about me. Leading by example for all of my children to just be healthy and happy in the vessel you have in this life. I knew Jer could be a great example to the boys of what kind of Man to be. You work hard for what you have, treat others with respect, be playful with your children, be loving and soft to your wife, make time for family, opens doors, say please and thank you, tip well, work smarter not harder, and most of all crying when you are sad is not weak. Now I must be the example for a another woman, her father will do a stellar job showing her how a man should be treating her and her brothers will make sure that they do, but it is me who will have to show her how to hold her head up and knock them out at the same time.
Yes my baby is 1 already. No more babies for us, just a life full of growing and changing, for the positive always, I hope. We will climb mountains together, we five. FIVE! Holy moly!
To be continued......
I've been reflecting on how not just her birth, but her being has changed me not only as a mother, but as a woman. As a mother to two boys I had ideals of the type of Mom I wanted to become. Soccer Mom extraordinaire, at every game and karate match Mom, snacks and juice boxes chilled Mom, carpooling Mom, homemade cookies after school Mom, fit and hip Mom, the cool Mom with rules, the house all their buddies wants to hang out at. THAT Mom. Then she came along and now I want to be all that and dance recital Mom, my girl can play any sport she wants Mom, Yes you can take my daughter out and her brothers will be watching you Mom, the she can talk to me about anything Mom, the someday I'll be her best friend Mom. Yes she has driven me to change and elaborate on the type of Mom I want to become, but she has made even bigger changes in the woman that I am. I will no longer say things negative about myself when someone throws me a compliment. I love my body as natural and beautiful, confident in myself. I will not stand in the mirror pinching my love handles, lifting my boobs, poking and prodding as I wrinkle my nose. Instead I will do my best to be a healthy role model for a positive body image. The world if full of people who will try and tell her she is fat and ugly and if she buys product A and B or has this surgery she will be "beautiful". I want to be her living lesson that real beauty is in the unique art that nature has created and given to her. It will emanate from the inside, cause no matter how much you pretty up the outside, you can't surgically remove the ugly from inside. I want to eliminate the self loathing issues that my mother passed down to me by always being on a diet, always trying to lose just 10lbs no matter her weight, always seeing herself as less than beautiful as I see her. For that I must change the way I see myself. No more name calling or constant criticism from me about me. Leading by example for all of my children to just be healthy and happy in the vessel you have in this life. I knew Jer could be a great example to the boys of what kind of Man to be. You work hard for what you have, treat others with respect, be playful with your children, be loving and soft to your wife, make time for family, opens doors, say please and thank you, tip well, work smarter not harder, and most of all crying when you are sad is not weak. Now I must be the example for a another woman, her father will do a stellar job showing her how a man should be treating her and her brothers will make sure that they do, but it is me who will have to show her how to hold her head up and knock them out at the same time.
Yes my baby is 1 already. No more babies for us, just a life full of growing and changing, for the positive always, I hope. We will climb mountains together, we five. FIVE! Holy moly!
To be continued......
Monday, March 10, 2008
Dum Dum Dummmmmm
So tomorrow, quick as that, I have an ultrasound to identify a lump. Not just any lump, a large one in my left breast. And several little ones. I just found the thing last Wednesday, or should I say Jer did. Or he finally got around to saying something, he noticed it a few months ago. In less than a week, WHAM! I'll see a surgeon one week later to, well I guess he will tell me. I will take him "films" and a "Printed Report" of my ultrasound. What happens next feels like a world past 8 days away. (Swallow very, very hard.) When Lashelle found a lump in her neck, it seemed like forever between ultrasounds and surgeons. I feel like this is moving awefully quick to be nothing as Bonnie said. Aside from the OB's office taking so long with the appointment making, in less than two weeks from finding a lump, it will be identified. Dum Dum Dummmmmmm.
Didn't I already have that Lifetime movie of the week moment in my life? "Girl overcomes cervical caner". I'm not supposed to be having another. I'm 27 for Christ sake! I have a wonderful husband, 3 healthy, happy and beautifully spirited children, I'm relatively healthy, living domestic suburbia bliss, we are doing so well. I used up my last angel sliding outta that one with Mims, can I expect to slip past breast cancer?
They say we write our own realities. We.... create them. What kind of sick writer am I? I think myself the kind to avoid drama, yet I'm living in it.
Didn't I already have that Lifetime movie of the week moment in my life? "Girl overcomes cervical caner". I'm not supposed to be having another. I'm 27 for Christ sake! I have a wonderful husband, 3 healthy, happy and beautifully spirited children, I'm relatively healthy, living domestic suburbia bliss, we are doing so well. I used up my last angel sliding outta that one with Mims, can I expect to slip past breast cancer?
They say we write our own realities. We.... create them. What kind of sick writer am I? I think myself the kind to avoid drama, yet I'm living in it.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
What's new Lumpy?
So I, correction Jeremy, found a lump in my left breast last night. According to him it has been there for at least a few months. He thought I was aware of such a thing. Well since my breasts get so much attention from both my husband and my still nursing Mims, I don't generally give them a thorough once over as I should. I guess I figure at a young 27 years, regular dr's exams, no history of breast cancer (all benign lumps in the fam have been after 40), three pregnancies and 3 years of nursing, and good overall health that lumps in my breasts were not a worry. Plus I figured I'd paid my dues with all the abnormal paps, calposcopies, leep procedures, poking, prodding, slicing and dicing. I guess I thought my body would only screw me in one function, not multiple. But there in lies my fear.
Many women in my family have had benign cysts found in their breasts, removed without incident. Said lumps arose pre, during and post menopause. None that I know of were so early in life. I am one of the first and few to not only nurse, but only nurse 3 babies for a total of 3 years. (This is said to help reduce the risks of breast cancers.) Many of the same woman dealt with abnormal paps and biopsies, none dealt with leeps in order to remove "problem" cells. My mom's lump a few years ago educated me in what I have to come. They will most likely biopsy it. Which means they will either stab a needle or make an incision deep into the center, where the lump resides, of my breast. This will most likely leave a disfiguring scar, because I don't have enough, and hurt beyond engorgement. Once they determine cancer or not, they will most likely go back in to remove said lump, and proceed with treatment as necessary. To be perfectly honest the idea of starting testing again on an entirely new issue turns a knot in my stomach I cannot explain. I just want to live a healthy whole life. Apparently I have not accepted my body and released all of my attachment to certain pains. Emotions in my like are manifesting physically and I will be forced to deal with them.
What I really want to do is ignore it. Once I acknowledge it with a Dr., then move into identifying it, it will become part of my reality. A reality that includes my hubby and kiddos. If it weren't for them I would most likely wait 6 months to a year to see if it just might go away on it's own. It could. But because of them that kind of time just isn't available. In that time it could change and grow, become something else. Something that could cost me more precious time. I am a mother and a wife, I have very special people that count on me. They need me to be on top of my game always, so I must deal with this now. Fortunately my dr's office sees it the same way and Bonnie will see me tomorrow to figure out what to do about it. Until then I will try and think only positivity.
Many women in my family have had benign cysts found in their breasts, removed without incident. Said lumps arose pre, during and post menopause. None that I know of were so early in life. I am one of the first and few to not only nurse, but only nurse 3 babies for a total of 3 years. (This is said to help reduce the risks of breast cancers.) Many of the same woman dealt with abnormal paps and biopsies, none dealt with leeps in order to remove "problem" cells. My mom's lump a few years ago educated me in what I have to come. They will most likely biopsy it. Which means they will either stab a needle or make an incision deep into the center, where the lump resides, of my breast. This will most likely leave a disfiguring scar, because I don't have enough, and hurt beyond engorgement. Once they determine cancer or not, they will most likely go back in to remove said lump, and proceed with treatment as necessary. To be perfectly honest the idea of starting testing again on an entirely new issue turns a knot in my stomach I cannot explain. I just want to live a healthy whole life. Apparently I have not accepted my body and released all of my attachment to certain pains. Emotions in my like are manifesting physically and I will be forced to deal with them.
What I really want to do is ignore it. Once I acknowledge it with a Dr., then move into identifying it, it will become part of my reality. A reality that includes my hubby and kiddos. If it weren't for them I would most likely wait 6 months to a year to see if it just might go away on it's own. It could. But because of them that kind of time just isn't available. In that time it could change and grow, become something else. Something that could cost me more precious time. I am a mother and a wife, I have very special people that count on me. They need me to be on top of my game always, so I must deal with this now. Fortunately my dr's office sees it the same way and Bonnie will see me tomorrow to figure out what to do about it. Until then I will try and think only positivity.
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