Is "God" really listening?

I often wonder if the "god" of my youth is in fact still there, and listening. If perhaps I, as my grandmother would say, turned my back on "him" yet he is patiently waiting and watching.
The older I get the less religious I am and the more spiritual I become. I find it's not about rules bound in ancient books, written by old men. I see it as being about the beauty within and not in a mystical place we will acquire after death. That we should look inward to find the most sacred of places, not above.
Yet the world around me struggles to put everyone in a box, labeled for religious scrutiny. To say my "god" is in everything and everyone around me, the potential everywhere to come into fruition in everyday life. That my "church" is in any place I feel it move me. That I don't meet my congregation at any specific time in a allocated destination, but wait for the moments where I can be a reflection and live my beliefs in each day. Putting that out there would surely have every religious labeled man, woman, and child shouting blasphemy. How could they understand raising my children in a spiritual way without boundaries from ancient times and the fear of punishment lashed down from a "heavenly father" that is supposed to love them unconditionally as I do. I just don't see how teaching them that the truest of all love will only continue to love them if they fit into slot A, but if they should falter as we all do they risk eternal damnation by the one love that should matter the most. In my heart I know that the truest love they can find is deep inside. To love themselves for the being of light that they are. That "god" dwells inside every living entity on this planet. They only have to look with an open soul to find it.
I think the spirit of God is such a beautiful idea, mucked up by people afraid of what they would find if they looked within. So instead they insist that following a set of guidelines on the outside will somehow grant them spiritual beauty on the inside. It doesn't matter how well you sugar coat a piece of shit, it is what it is. If you don't spend a little time everyday being the light within it will get mucked up with crap, crap that can only be purged by seeing the beauty and reveling in all that is around us. Not by asking for forgiveness from a higher power simply because you fear punishment in the afterlife.
If "god" is still there and is listening, she must be so disappointed in this light called man. Taking such simple principles of life and twisting them into the modern day judgemental vehicle that organized religion is. Tacking a simple name and face to her for worship. Yes, I will teach my children that god is all around, in each of. That by looking within and loving what's inside, they will find "god" and learn to be the spirituality that this crumbling world of ours needs. To fill themselves up with life and share it; in that god will not be watching but living.

Rainy Day Schedule

Rainy days make for long and lazy days. I've managed to do some housework, but mainly goofing with the kiddos. It's very dark and dreary for 3 in the afternoon. Mims seems a bit testy today, those teeth may be working on her again. The gums look inflamed and she was only interested in squishy foods yesterday and again this morning. Makes sense.

The boys are just stir crazy with all the shut in. Last week's unusually warm temps allowed us to spend more time outside, making this week's rainy, winter weather a bit confining. I will do my best to savor it, as I know the hot dog days of summer are at our doorstep. Perhaps a bit of a splash about is in order.

Bitter Sweet Misery.

It is still relatively early around here, all three kiddos still asleep, the youngest passing gas next to me in my bed. Yet I leapt up and dashed from my bedroom quickly this morning less I miss my besdfriend's departure. Today Lashelle and Emily will make their final push in moving to Cali. There is a big part of me that feels like it's another one of the many trips she took while staying here, but the welling tears I keep having let me know that deep down the truth hurts. And yes, she snuck out quietly this morning and I missed her.
Sure I am excited to have Mims' room back, but at a price I'm not totally ready to pay yet. Couldn't she have just moved in down the street? Did Aaron have to drag her all the way to Cali? And I didn't get a vote in this! Urbn's whining in the backyard for Lady speaks volumes for my ache right now.
Last night I refused to have the drawn out, tearful goodbye. I big hug and words of appreciation (and a touch of sarcasm) for the time she stayed with us is all I could muster. I knew that if I broke down I would beg her not to go. Make her promise to come back in a month and visit for a week or three. Tell her how hard this is gonna be on ME. But I wanted her adventure to be kicked off with delight. Her place is with her husband and his place is in California right now. I will surely be out to visit in May for her birthday.
I am at a place of peace with this. That doesn't change that today will be a day of mourning for me. I plan to take the kids to the park, giving myself a bit of quiet with my thoughts. Maybe cry a little here and there cause that's okay. Change has never been an easy thing for me, but it is always good. Jer will return tonight and comfort me. Tomorrow we will paint Mim's room and Sunday move all her stuff over. By Monday the changes will be complete and the odd emptiness that will occur after Jer returns to work may be just enough to drive me insane. The kids and I will have to adapt yet again. Six month is a long time to have your every day life turned inside out, and man will we miss it.
Thank you so much Shelle for staying with us for the past 6 months. It was fabulous, challenging, joyous, exciting and pleasantly painful. You were and continue to be a thorn in my ass and I love you for it. I was so glad we could do this for you, so glad my kids could get to know you better, so glad we could have this time before you left. You will always be a very special friend to me, no matter the people who pass through my life. Our friendship is unique in that I don't see you as a friend, you are my sister. We can be brutally honest with each other, vent, get all bent outta shape and laugh it off later. I love you not in despite of your faults, I love you for them. Because without out them you would not be the light that you are. You and your family always have a standing place in my heart, my life and my home. Please feel free to make yourself welcome anytime.