Reflection full circle

"Reborn and shivering

Spat out on new terrain

Unsure, unconvincing

This faint and shaky hour.

Day one, day one 

Start over again

Step one, step one

I'm barely making sense

For now I'm faking it 

'Til I'm psuedo-making it

From scratch, begin again

But this time I is "I" 

and not as "we"-  Alanis Morissette Not as We

It occurred to me this morning that it is July 10th. 5 Full days past the one day of every year that I dread, the anniversary of my father's suicide. I "celebrate" the day every year by spending the day in a bitter stooper. I used to visit his grave, that was before my children, and for a while I was so angry at him that I refused to go on principle. Why should I visit the death bed of a man too arrogant to spend his life near me. To selfish to suffer through to get to know his grandchildren. But I have forgiven him and it seems let go of the anger and bitterness that have surrounded July 5th. I have finally begun to live the ideal that I preached as a 13 year old child. To judge based on ones' life, not the final moments of death.

Finally 14 years later that I can finally understand, forgive and begin to heal my heart after so long.  They say a daughter's first love is her father. That she will choose a husband very similar to that of her father. And with my new clarity I can see that is true. To have my heart so severely broken that long ago, I never truly healed. I carried a bitter distance from any man trying to get near. Although I feel I have loved Jer to the greatest of my ability, I think from this point I can finally love him with a whole heart. One that is able to trust entirely, accept without judgement, and be without pre-conceived ideals. Although he is much like my father in that of a struggling childhood, challenged into manhood, brilliant beyond his understanding, able to rise above the odds handed to him, an open and giving heart, believing in giving of ones' self to others, and loving a woman that can sometimes be stubborn and difficult, love her because of it and not in spite of it; he is still very different. Jer is much further along in his souls' evolution. My father had a difficult lesson to learn in this life, and and even harder one to teach. Today is day 1 and I am finally beginning to learn. 

"Eyes wet,

Toward wide open freight

If God is taking bias,

I pray he wants to lose

Day one, day one

Start over again

Step one, step one

I'm barely making sense

Just yet I'm faking it

'Til I'm pseudo-making it

From scratch, begin again

But this time I as "I"

And not as "we"