Domestic Engineer

Starting somewhere.

2010-01-12T08:03:00.002-07:00

I have started new blog after new blog, only to feel.... unsatisfied. So in a pathetic attempt to just start writing again, putting ah pen to paper if you will; I'm not expecting much. But what I do know is I have to start. And if scrapping the entire lot and starting over isn't gonna happen, well I might as well continue on.

Years have past since I've been here last. Oh sure, I plan to move all those random "blog" entries so it looks like I poked in every now and then. But actually I was surprised this blog was still here, AND I remembered the password. I went back and read all that I had put down and it made me remember all that I had not. There IT was! All the reasons I hadn't been blogging, all the excuses I've made for not writing, right there! It makes no difference if I write about my today... TODAY, it will really matter later down the road. It seems they don't kid about time moving faster as you get older. And with 30 beating down my door, I suddenly feel the need to be me.

How odd. The age I always thought I'd have everything figured out by, seems to be the age I finally want to start figuring me out. There is so much about me that was. Then there came all that there is of me in the role I play in the day to day. Like there is a big block wall between the artistic and fantastical girl and the reliable and consistent mother. Because of the time and space in which I became a mother I just never had an integration process. I emerged from one world, one body, one mind; to submerge into something completely different. Not that it was wrong, it was what I needed to do to get through a time in my life. And now that my head is finally bobbing above water I can see that it is now time to find a merge. I can realize dreams that I had once, but I must find he ebb and flow. And it starts here, pen to paper, practice.

Stating all over again.

2010-01-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

I’ve been telling myself I would do this for all of 2009. I played, and procrastinated, and pondered. Then I made a zillion excuses, turned off the computer and found something else to do.

That’s the thing about suburban life, there are always things I NEED to get done. Often times they cast a dark shadow over the things I’d like to be doing. (Funny how heaping piles of laundry can block out the sun.) So that’s what this blog is about; a suburban housewife/mother of three struggling to walk the line between domestic acceptance and bohemian artist. We’re talking Martha Stewart, meets Linda Perry, meets Janis Joplin, meets Rachel Ray, meets Nancy Botwin. If they all had 3 kids, a man who works like mad, and a home in suburbia. So there’s a little of everything and anything that crosses my path or my mind during the throes of this life.

A weekend of "AH HA" moments

2008-09-05T08:25:00.002-07:00

Labor day weekend came with a heap of "AH Ha" moments. We got to go out and see people we haven't seen since before Tristan was born. We took no children as it was more of an adult event, but the dogs did attend. Loki was my first "moment", that pup needs socialization and training like yesterday. He is unsure of how to play or respond to unfamiliar dogs or people. He barks at strangers both furry and human, then yelps when they initiate play. He is a stubborn one that will take work. Urbn, my dog, on the other hand is blossoming into quite a special dog. Not only was she incredibly patient and playful with the two young huskies that are still coming into their own, she protected her pup, Loki, with calm assertiveness. Not biting, but body checking the other dogs as they tried to antagonize pathetic Loki. Eventually she had to assert her dominance over one of the dogs that I saw nip both her and Loki more than a dozen times before, but she did not attack the dog. She growled and stood her ground, then stood over the submissive dog as she yelped and cried by her owner. I had to laugh, this dog was so aggressive, nipping and growling at my dogs when her owner was no where by. In fact, she seemed to feed off Loki if he yelped and fled. My good girl simply put that young husky in her place, protecting her pack. I took her back to camp and treated her to a left over Brat. I of course was looked at like a bitch by the dogs' owner since my Boxer appeared to be the aggressor. But that damn dog obviously had no training. She jumped all over me when I tried to feed my dogs, yes they were waiting patiently, she kept nipping my dogs (not nicely), was persistent at antagonizing Loki, and Urbn gave her more that a few warnings before she put her on her back. Now Robert's husky had quite a spirit also, but more manners. And her and Urbn had the same running playful energy and got along great. So Urbn is moment 2, so smart and sweet. Yet she watches after the kids, Loki included, has a passive dominance (really she could have ripped the husky's throat out), and will only take so much shit before she puts her foot down. I love my dog and need to bath that smelly fur bag so she can enjoy the inside fruits of practicing good manners and the gentleness of growing out of her puppy stage.

It didn't take me long to realize Jer and I are not the same people that used to party like that. We used most of the time to be quiet and relax without kids' or obligations demanding our attention. I didn't realize that not everyone is changed by the birth of their own child. Our children have really helped us realize the kind of people we want to be and we have started to come into our own. Finding the world so much bigger and shifting the dynamic of our priorities dramatically. I am not trying to judge, just don't understand. I believe our children were given to us to help Jer and I evolve in this life. To help us see beyond ourselves, change our spirits eternally. Perhaps that was not their lesson for this life, or perhaps they have missed it.

Moment 5 comes in the form of after-the-fact. All the prepping, money spend and cleanup that is still needing to be done, so I could spend the entire time wishing I had brought my kiddos. I really am a different person than I used to be.

Next would be the fact that my husband has a dire need for balance in his life. He works too much and is losing precious time with his young family and he struggles to stretch himself practically translucent over all the obligations he has taken on. Sometimes I think he has forgotten what he is working for. All the money doesn't matter if we have to trade him for it. I told him long ago I'd live in a shack with him, as long as we were happy. I worry we have lost that. I am eternally grateful, but fearful that the happiness I thought would be in my life right now has eluded me. I spend far to much time bitter and jealous towards his career that now absorbs the majority of his thoughts, time and energy. Not me, not the kids, not our home, but a job that doesn't even appreciate him like we do. What would happen if he neglected his job the way he has neglected us? Would they still love him, forgive his faults, welcome him and keep him as his family does? What if we responded the way they would if the tables turned? Would we hold as much value as the company?

There are more moments I'm sure, but that last one has brought about emotions I'm not ready to deal with on the Friday morning so...

Hey that's MY cub!

2008-08-13T08:33:00.002-07:00

We had many a long talks with T over the weekend about getting dropped off with the other kids and getting in line with his class all on his own Monday morning. He not only seemed okay with it, but excited, even as we pulled in and made the circle. But when the nice young teacher opened the van door and started to help with his backpack Tristan began stranger danger panic. "No mommy, please walk with me."

"But honey, your class is lined up and waiting right there, I can see them. Go hop in line, she will help you."

"Yeah, come on buddy. I'll walk you over." She was encouraging and soft, obviously dealt with this a time or two.

"Noooooo, please mommeeeeeee!" As he used all his might to tug his backpack back in the van.

I threw a sheepish smile at the teacher, "I'll just park and walk him in, it's okay." She tossed me a reassuring wink, and closed the door.

We unloaded the crew and had to wait outside the class door for the rest of the class and Mrs.M to make their way in. His enthusiasm was fading. I deposited him at the end of the line as he begged me to walk him in, I explained I couldn't with Mims and Z. Mrs.M took his hand and began to guide him from me inside as he called out "Mommy please don't leave me!" Mrs.M and I exchanged understanding smiles as she reassured him I would be back for him sooner than he thought and the door closed. Another mom overheard walking by and gave a "sympathetic" Awww.

"This started in the drop off area. I think I expected too much too soon."

"Both my boys cried the first bit of kindergarten. But my baby girl has been so eager since day one, although I cried when I sent each of them off."

"I'm hoping if I just gradually back off how far I'm willing to go with him it will ease the transition, last week was all the way into class. Baby steps."

And then she said it, "Well did you check his pinky finger before you left?"

"HUH?"

"To make sure you weren't still wrapped around it."

I was too surprised to have a come back. Fortunately we had reached the outside of the front doors and parted ways into the parking lot. As I loaded the other kids up and I ran over and over the brief conversation in my head. Had this mom who was sympathizing and sharing her kindergarten woes with me, just insulted me? I was really trying to make this a positive experience for everyone, doing the best with the parenting skills I have and really, I know my kid better than anyone. I decided to shrug it off, what are the odds I'd be dealing with her again, her "golden daughter" wasn't in T's class.

TUESDAY: The decision was made to this week, walk T to the drop off area and let him line up with his class while mommy watched from afar. But again resistance and begging to walk in with him. So, to avoid a bigger melt down, we decided this week I would walk to class with him, next week I would only walk to the drop off area, then graduate to actually being dropped off. We brought up the tail of his class line, since mommy only gave in because we had reached the time to walk into school, and had to jump in back. As I followed T and the rest, with Mims and Z in tow, I heard a conversation taking place behind me.

"Oh it was so sad, there was a little boy yesterday STILL crying on day 4 of kindergarten. And his mom just left with him so upset." I tossed a glance over my shoulder, it was HER! She went on about the "poor boy", my boy. I finally turned and very quietly and nicely said. "That was MY boy, and me." She looked surprised and gave me a "Oh I'm sure it wasn't."

"Oh I'm pretty sure it was." We made it to T's class and got him in without incident. After the door closed I wheeled around, SHE was still talking with the other mother in the hall. "And I checked to make sure I adequately unwound myself from his pinky today. Thanks for the concern." We left her looking stunned with her mouth hung agape.

A First for everyone

2008-08-07T10:58:00.003-07:00

We left Tristan yesterday for his very first day of kindergarten. After weeks of him going back and forth from day to day whether he was on board with the idea of big kid school or not, we met his teacher Monday night and he seemed amped up. Jer and I both walked him into class, took pictures and helped him follow the directions of Mrs.Mohler to put his lunch in the basket and hang his backpack. All was well until it was time for us to leave. I made exit first, which went fine. But when Daddy said god-bye the resistance began. Puppy-dog eyes, pleas of "no, stay" and a mild jumping/flapping fit as a class assistant stepped in the help make the transition. Jer met me in the hallway and felt horrible. "Was I just supposed to leave him all upset?"

"It's kindergarten, a right of passage."

"But he's the only one not sitting quietly, and the ONLY one crying."

"He'll be fine, he's actually doing not too bad." I motioned to the kid in the hallway in full blown crying hysterics with his mom. "He was resistant to Pre-k to and loved it."

"I just wish someone would have helped give me direction on how to deal with this. It's my first day of kindergarten too! They do this every year, shouldn't they have tools for this?" We had reached the end of the hall and the front door was ahead.

"Do you want to walk back and check on him?"

"YES!" We walked a bit back down the hall, "Let's not. I don't want him to see us and get more upset."

"They 'll call if it gets out of control. I'm not worried" I lied right to my husband. He's my first baby, I just left him with people I don't know, he's upset, of course I'm worried! I want to run in, scoop him up, and say he can stay home for another year. But alas, what kind mom would I be if I wasn't strong for my boys.

At home Jer turned down pancakes before work. Too worked up I suppose. I busied myself all day til it was time to pickup.

If not for Mims' last minute poo, I would have been 15 minutes early, instead I was 5. I waited in line 20 minutes til I reached T's class line. Mrs.Mohler helped load him into the van, explaining he was complaining of an upset tummy and she said she thought he was really hot. I looked into Tristan's face as I buckled him in and it was BAD! He was gray, clammy, and about to pass out. Definitely going into heat stroke, and I made up my mind in about 2 seconds that if he hadn't cooled off and perked up by the time we drove past the urgent care I would be taking him in. I pushed the cold juice I brought for him, turned the ac on him, and started to dig through his lunch bag. He had barely touched his juice from lunch, and odds are hadn't drank much throughout the day. He had left his cookies from lunch so I gave him those to boost the blood sugar, and insisted he drink his juice. It only took a few minutes to get color back in his cheeks, but he spent about two hours on the couch complaining of an upset stomach. Jer and I both had some concern regarding this incident, but I figured we would push through Friday and if anymore "incidents" happened we could reevaluate out school choice. Tristan was not put off at all as was ready to go back today.

This morning T and I walked the drop off zone so next week he could be dropped off with the rest of the kids and not walked in. We waited in the class line and walked to his classroom. He put away his lunch box, hung his backpack, retrieved his supplies box and sat at his table to color with his friends. I got three kisses bye, but no tears. And I was happy to see that each cubby box now had a bottle of water with each of the kids' names written in sharpie. Apparently Tristan wasn't the only issue from yesterday. I also got him a new drink box with a straw for his lunch box to encourage him to drink more. And now that I have the idea for pick-up I will either arrive early to be at the front of the line, or park next to his class line-up so I can run over and get him so he doesn't have to wait in the heat. I'm waiting either way, just as long as he's not.

But alas, Tristan has started kindergarten. He is five and growing up so fast. Thanks to Jer and him having a tough morning, I was spared myself going into despair. Yes I am sad, but he is becoming a little man and growing up is inevitable. It seems so far away to think about all three kiddos off at school all day, but Tristan was just a baby yesterday.

Reflection full circle

2008-07-10T08:30:00.002-07:00

"Reborn and shivering

Spat out on new terrain

Unsure, unconvincing

This faint and shaky hour.

Day one, day one

Start over again

Step one, step one

I'm barely making sense

For now I'm faking it

'Til I'm psuedo-making it

From scratch, begin again

But this time I is "I"

and not as "we"- Alanis Morissette Not as We

It occurred to me this morning that it is July 10th. 5 Full days past the one day of every year that I dread, the anniversary of my father's suicide. I "celebrate" the day every year by spending the day in a bitter stooper. I used to visit his grave, that was before my children, and for a while I was so angry at him that I refused to go on principle. Why should I visit the death bed of a man too arrogant to spend his life near me. To selfish to suffer through to get to know his grandchildren. But I have forgiven him and it seems let go of the anger and bitterness that have surrounded July 5th. I have finally begun to live the ideal that I preached as a 13 year old child. To judge based on ones' life, not the final moments of death.

Finally 14 years later that I can finally understand, forgive and begin to heal my heart after so long. They say a daughter's first love is her father. That she will choose a husband very similar to that of her father. And with my new clarity I can see that is true. To have my heart so severely broken that long ago, I never truly healed. I carried a bitter distance from any man trying to get near. Although I feel I have loved Jer to the greatest of my ability, I think from this point I can finally love him with a whole heart. One that is able to trust entirely, accept without judgement, and be without pre-conceived ideals. Although he is much like my father in that of a struggling childhood, challenged into manhood, brilliant beyond his understanding, able to rise above the odds handed to him, an open and giving heart, believing in giving of ones' self to others, and loving a woman that can sometimes be stubborn and difficult, love her because of it and not in spite of it; he is still very different. Jer is much further along in his souls' evolution. My father had a difficult lesson to learn in this life, and and even harder one to teach. Today is day 1 and I am finally beginning to learn.

"Eyes wet,

Toward wide open freight

If God is taking bias,

I pray he wants to lose

Day one, day one

Start over again

Step one, step one

I'm barely making sense

Just yet I'm faking it

'Til I'm pseudo-making it

From scratch, begin again

But this time I as "I"

And not as "we"

My summer lovin'

2008-06-11T07:17:00.002-07:00

Following suit from Jen, one of my favorite blogs to read, I thought I would finish posting about summer that is right on top of us. I've always dubbed myself more of a fall/winter girl, I love warm, cozy sweaters and my favorite pair of jeans. Fortunately I live in Arizona so winter does not mean snow shoveling or howling wind. But summertime can get oh so hot. They say "it's a dry heat". I never knew what that meant as a child, sounded funny though. I can't actually say I know what it's like to live somewhere sporting 80% humidity, I didn't mind it in Hawaii, but then there was nothing but LOVE for Hawaii. SO back to my list for summer:

1. Flip Flops- best shoe ever.

2. Painted toes- I love the look of fresh feet and painted toes. I have tried several times now to paint the Mims' wee toes, but she never lets me past the big one and always insists on touching before it's dried. Oh well, she'll get it soon.

3. Waterplay- We did some yesterday, but the boys' need some bigger and better water guns in order for us to play a proper game of seek and destroy. Mims loved her little pool though, we just require some better toys since Urbn ate most of the ones from last summer.

4. Later Nights- The sun setting later makes it feel like we have a bit more time in the day. No daylight savings here, too confusing for the desert rats.

5. Fresh fruits- Ahh the fruits of summer. So plump and flavorful. Watermelon, strawberries and cantaloupe, juicy and delicious. So what if the veggie selection dwindles in the hot summer heat; we have fresh pineapple sweeter than candy!

6. Vacation- Vegas next week! Hopefully we can work out taking the kiddos to California for some beach time, but if nothing else we will go camping more than once before summer is over.

7. Cruising with the windows down- although most days you'll get hit with some heat equivalent to sticking your head into the heated oven straight from opening the door. But on days of overcast, mornings or evening the kids like to roll down their windows while we drive to the store and let the air in. Something refreshing about "fresh" air hitting all that sweat that just screams summer.

8. Slacking off- why does summer make us feel like being lazy? Could be the drag of summer heat, or could be remnants of summer vacations pasts. Back when school went on break but our parents did not. I can't wait to have summer fun planned for my kids after having the long school year.

9. Nobody has to get dressed- We can run around in minimal all day on those days there is nothing taking us out. It's too hot to put on much anyway and yes I have been known to put off something just to make it one of those days. BONUS: saves me on laundry! Hey, I'm doing my part to go green. =)

10. Fall- Summer means my favorite time of year, Fall, is just around the corner.

So I have a top ten reasons why I like summer. (Really, Fall in AZ is way better.)

Too Hot to handle.

2008-06-09T12:20:00.002-07:00

I've made it all the way to June 9th without saying it's too hot outside, but today it is H-O-T. The plants are drooping, the dog doesn't want to go out and pee, even Mims came back in eagerly after just minutes and chugged some water. I think this afternoon we will splash in some water and enjoy popsicles cause man alive it's just hot.

It says it's only 94 out there, should climb to 104 by mid afternoon. The ac has us at a cool 78 for naptime. Think I'll catch a catnap since not much else should be done in this weather, and post an update on our day later.

Birthday Snot.

2008-05-27T07:21:00.002-07:00

Tristan was the first to have it. Birthday and snot. Although he wasn't feeling well, and after my initial 2-3 days of this and now Jer starting his today I know he felt down right crappy, I thought it important he was able to have his last day of pre-school that just so happen to fall on his 5th birthday. He was given a special birthday crown that his friends in class decorated with stickers, I made cupcakes for him to take in, not to mention the end of year party that included icecream cone sundaes which he told me later he did his up with cookies, cherries, and m&ms. Good boy.

SO my first baby has turned 5, quite the milestone for us. With a "school" picture up on the wall, he looks so grown up. I still remember his birth, how hard of a pregnancy that was, how young and naive we were; it all seems so close yet so very far, far behind us.

Come on baby, Mama needs a new Wii!

2008-05-23T10:30:00.009-07:00

After blogging my fitness demise for the contest here, I reluctantly deleted it after much thought about what my beloved friends might think of me were they to read it. Mainly because the worst of the stories remain privy to only those fortunate enough to witness the demise first hand or question the wounds in the aftermath. I don't even think I've blogged about them (pre-blog days). But when a 2nd contest was announced on City Mama, I thought the Wii gods much surely be pointing at me to unveil my fitness woes in an effort to score me and my fam a new Wii system and the Wii Fit so I can finally shed those 15lbs that still hang off my butt.

Over the years I have been suckered into a multitude of fitness crazes. I Jazzercised with my mom in my pre-teens, was a weight jock in high school, and found yoga after college. I can say that it wasn't until I had my 1st child that I began the same battle I think most moms face....(with a loud, booming announcer voice) The battle of the post baby pounds. DUM DUM DUM.

Let's start with the multitude of fad diets shall we. There was the grapefruit diet (too sour), the cabbage soup diet (too gassy), the blood type diet (too limiting), the Southbeach diet (too much like atkins), Atkins (not for a carboholics like me), YOU on a Diet (Really Dr.OZ, a balanced diet and consistent exercise plan will get me to my goal? Gosh I didn't know that?!), and finally the Abs diet. Which was the success that brought me to the fitness demise we are here to discuss.

The Abs diet turned out to work very well for me and after completing the 2-weeks of diet alone that is recommended I had lost 8lbs and was anxious to jump on the exercise band wagon to skyrocket my weight loss, build lean muscle and finally look like those ladies on the cover of Maxim. Since I already had a multitude of workout videos and embarrassing gadgets that had obviously failed me in the past, I decided something new was in order. I visited my local SUPER Target and descended upon the fitness isle. Of all the things I've tried, resistance bands was never one. Well there's my problem, of all my frivolous fitness purchases like gym memberships and free weights, I had somehow overlooked these simple yet effective tools. Easily carried when I travel (cause a stay at home mom to 3 under 5 travels so much), ready for me to use anywhere, and obviously so fun to use that I'll be donning a string bikini in less than 6 weeks! SOLD!

The following day I was so anxious to try out my new tools I allowed the children additional cartoon time, snuck away to my bedroom outfitted in my best fitness attire (cutoff sweats, built-in bra workout tank, ankle socks, and smelly tennis shoes), completely prepared to work my butt off. The brilliant apparatus connected simply to the top of the door, of which I locked to cautiously avoid a child slamming me with it while I was becoming Carmen Electra. I smartly attached the instruction sheet to the door so I could move smoothly through the routine. After finishing all moves that had me facing the door, I turned my back to give my shoulders and pecks a go with a move that involved me pulling the cords over my head with arms extended up. 3, 4, 5... feeling the burn..... WHAP! I was suddenly propelled forward, off my feet, onto my face and into a yellow metal dump truck my son used to haul around action figures. I rolled to my back and made friends with the birdies circling my head. I gently gathered them up, put them back in their cage and went to inspect who or what had sabotaged my effective workout. It appeared the black bungee cords had come unattached from the door. I carefully clipped them back into their attachment, pulled them in all directions to check for safety and was rewarded by a slap in the face as they dislodged from their holster yet again! Stupid piece of crap is defective! I will return this promptly and use that fine money to have Ben and Jerry over to sooth my bruised ego and cheek.

I retreated to the bathroom to check that cheek and was shocked at what I found. But not on my cheek, I had been so flustered by my whack in the back of the head and involved with finding out the cause, I had neglected to check the head wound incurred on that dump truck. I had apparently taken the header at just the right angle to clip the corner of the bed of the truck and it broke the skin, just barely. But it was enough to brand me with a small scarlet letter of fitness woe, a one inch "L" dead center of my forehead. How on earth would I return a defective piece of fitness equipment with a very obvious Loser stamp staring out at the world. I promptly cut myself bangs, which have never flattered me, threw those rubber bands in the dumpster with my hair trimmings, and concocted a story of sheer klutziness to share with friends and family. (You see I was working out with my rubber bands stretched over a door, when they came loose, smacked me in the back of the head, sending me off my feet and flying 10 feet into a yellow metal dump truck. No thank- you. Better to say I tripped over scattered toys and took a header into said truck.) It took 6 months and an entire tube of Mederma for me to finally grow those bangs out without the world knowing my pain.

I have a vault of fitness woes and still the same, or quiet possibly they are new found, 15lbs tagging along with me. I can't say the Wii will get me any closure to resembling Eva Longoria Parker, that would take a change in race and act of God, but the kids, hubby and I will surely have a blast at it. And if at some point that Wii, or any activity related to playing that Wii, is to brand me, I promise to wear it with pride and hell, even blog about it. Pictures included.

Doing our part.

2008-05-22T10:08:00.002-07:00

Since I have been reading "A New Earth" I am becoming more aware of my connection not only to the world around me, but my connection to this universe in general. Jer and I both feel it is our jobs to do our part, as small as it may be, to contribute to our community, the kids' school, the environment, friends, family, strangers, and now with the euthanasia issue is AZ shelters. Arizona is facing record numbers of animals in shelters, in turn record numbers of animals euthanized due to lack of space and funds. Many of these animals had families who have fallen into hard times with the housing market in turmoil, the economy in a funk, or just overall back luck. Most of them forced to move into places that doesn't allow their pet, or they can barely afford to feed and care for themselves let alone an animal. Now there is the part of me that feels bad about their problems, then there is the part of me that is so aggravated by it. When you commit to an animal you commit for the life of the animal. If you at some point cannot care for that animal any longer, it is your responsibility to find that animal another home. How someone could drop their animal at the pound knowing they will most likely be put down, abandon them in a foreclosed home, or simply push them out to fend for themselves is beyond me. So we will do our small part here also. We cannot save them all, but we can be the difference in the life of one.

I plan on taking Tristan on this plight. He may not remember this event vividly, but it will have an impact on his long term thought process. I want my kids to have compassion and love for the world around them, even though it can be rather nasty at times. I want them to leave the forest cleaner than we found it, turn the water off while brushing, recycle, use re-usable bags at the store, put litter in it's place and above all understand that they don't have to be saving the planet to do their small part in the world around them. If that means saving the life of just one animal, then that one animal is forever changed.

Great Moments of Inspiration.

2008-04-29T10:17:00.002-07:00

For the past few days I have had a blog looming. My constant reminder peeking at me from the far corner of my cupboard. My lack of clean dishes allowing it to peep through past all the matching coffee mugs, memorabilia mugs, and random odd balls. My father's coffee cup.
A work cup that he had for more years than my memory allows. My mom has kept it and after their last move she "really didn't have space for it as her now kitchen is much smaller than the previous", so she asked if i would like it. I humbly took it and put it in the corner hidden. Every now and then it would sneak through. The Anderson Clayton logo, that yellow and black logo, catching my eye and sparking a glimmer of memory of my father. Perhaps this little, simple, POSITIVE reminder was just what I needed to allow me to put up a picture of him. It's next to the boys' room so I catch a glimpse of it daily. Almost 14 years it has taken me to get to the point of being able to think of my dad and not feel bitter anger. I tried to seldom think of him at all.
I LOVE my coffee in the morning, as did my father. I drink Folgers, as he did, and my mother still does (half caff now). The smell in the house each morning is still the essence of home to me.
The past few morning I have been thinking of the things I missed with him. Specifically what it would be like to have coffee with him. I don't miss the dad things anymore, or even the grandfather things. The kids and I have that in Curt, and far better than the job my father was doing. I miss the grown-up friendship we would have now. Like what my mom and I share. Like having coffee.

Much about Nothing

2008-03-27T21:29:00.002-07:00

I always feel like I have to have something funny or profound to right about when I come here. I forget that much of what fills ours days is a bit more than nothing. It's kinda nice to just blabber.

Mom picked up Tristan from school today, he was very surprised and excited to see her. He spent the rest of the day with them, playing games, having lunch, and helping Grandma plant. They also made cookies, he brought some home. And I was doing so well.

Zander was feeling and looking better today. He talked a mile a minute to make up for his two days of illness. We spent some time swinging and playing outside. He really gets lonely when Tristan is gone for too long. By 2 he came up "Mom, I got my shoes on. We go get Tristan now."
"No Zander, we don't need to."
"Yes, we NEED to pick up Tristan from school."
"Honey, Tristan is not at school."
"Tristan not at school?"
Puzzled look reveals wheels turning in head.
"Want to go to Grandma's house too!"
He's that smart. Or we're just that predictable. They are growing up so fast either way. I can barely remember Zander being the baby anymore, he's so big.

Miriam is taking many more steps more often. She practices all the time and has been experimenting with climbing. She can scale onto Zander's bed, but gets a little scared when it comes to getting off. She can get herself onto and off of her ride on toys rather gracefully. Mims is also dabbling with her sense of humor, being silly then waiting for you to laugh. She still likes to play in clothes, hide and seek is a favorite, and lots and lots of tickles. And like her brothers she seems to like a good rush, no fear. They'll be my little stunt team.

As for me I am finally tired. Will I actually sleep soon, who knows.

Not a Baby anymore.

2008-03-21T08:06:00.003-07:00

My baby turned 1. I thought I was sad about it, then I realized that sad was not the way I should be. It was just a year ago that we were just a twist of fate away from mourning our loss instead of celebrating our gain. I look at her today and that tiny, less than 6 pound newbie that put my life and hers at risk just one year ago is a fleeting memory. Now she is a toddling ball of energy, taking her first steps and chasing her brothers; whom she adores. Her vocabulary is still limited to DaDa, MaMa, and a head shake for No, but she is never at a loss to express her feeling for a situation. My heart can still ache for a moment when I recall how close of a call we had, but it bleeds with elation when I see her big 'ol blues! She is our baby girl, will always be.
I've been reflecting on how not just her birth, but her being has changed me not only as a mother, but as a woman. As a mother to two boys I had ideals of the type of Mom I wanted to become. Soccer Mom extraordinaire, at every game and karate match Mom, snacks and juice boxes chilled Mom, carpooling Mom, homemade cookies after school Mom, fit and hip Mom, the cool Mom with rules, the house all their buddies wants to hang out at. THAT Mom. Then she came along and now I want to be all that and dance recital Mom, my girl can play any sport she wants Mom, Yes you can take my daughter out and her brothers will be watching you Mom, the she can talk to me about anything Mom, the someday I'll be her best friend Mom. Yes she has driven me to change and elaborate on the type of Mom I want to become, but she has made even bigger changes in the woman that I am. I will no longer say things negative about myself when someone throws me a compliment. I love my body as natural and beautiful, confident in myself. I will not stand in the mirror pinching my love handles, lifting my boobs, poking and prodding as I wrinkle my nose. Instead I will do my best to be a healthy role model for a positive body image. The world if full of people who will try and tell her she is fat and ugly and if she buys product A and B or has this surgery she will be "beautiful". I want to be her living lesson that real beauty is in the unique art that nature has created and given to her. It will emanate from the inside, cause no matter how much you pretty up the outside, you can't surgically remove the ugly from inside. I want to eliminate the self loathing issues that my mother passed down to me by always being on a diet, always trying to lose just 10lbs no matter her weight, always seeing herself as less than beautiful as I see her. For that I must change the way I see myself. No more name calling or constant criticism from me about me. Leading by example for all of my children to just be healthy and happy in the vessel you have in this life. I knew Jer could be a great example to the boys of what kind of Man to be. You work hard for what you have, treat others with respect, be playful with your children, be loving and soft to your wife, make time for family, opens doors, say please and thank you, tip well, work smarter not harder, and most of all crying when you are sad is not weak. Now I must be the example for a another woman, her father will do a stellar job showing her how a man should be treating her and her brothers will make sure that they do, but it is me who will have to show her how to hold her head up and knock them out at the same time.
Yes my baby is 1 already. No more babies for us, just a life full of growing and changing, for the positive always, I hope. We will climb mountains together, we five. FIVE! Holy moly!

To be continued......

Dum Dum Dummmmmm

2008-03-10T13:05:00.002-07:00

So tomorrow, quick as that, I have an ultrasound to identify a lump. Not just any lump, a large one in my left breast. And several little ones. I just found the thing last Wednesday, or should I say Jer did. Or he finally got around to saying something, he noticed it a few months ago. In less than a week, WHAM! I'll see a surgeon one week later to, well I guess he will tell me. I will take him "films" and a "Printed Report" of my ultrasound. What happens next feels like a world past 8 days away. (Swallow very, very hard.) When Lashelle found a lump in her neck, it seemed like forever between ultrasounds and surgeons. I feel like this is moving awefully quick to be nothing as Bonnie said. Aside from the OB's office taking so long with the appointment making, in less than two weeks from finding a lump, it will be identified. Dum Dum Dummmmmmm.

Didn't I already have that Lifetime movie of the week moment in my life? "Girl overcomes cervical caner". I'm not supposed to be having another. I'm 27 for Christ sake! I have a wonderful husband, 3 healthy, happy and beautifully spirited children, I'm relatively healthy, living domestic suburbia bliss, we are doing so well. I used up my last angel sliding outta that one with Mims, can I expect to slip past breast cancer?

They say we write our own realities. We.... create them. What kind of sick writer am I? I think myself the kind to avoid drama, yet I'm living in it.

What's new Lumpy?

2008-03-05T09:47:00.002-07:00

So I, correction Jeremy, found a lump in my left breast last night. According to him it has been there for at least a few months. He thought I was aware of such a thing. Well since my breasts get so much attention from both my husband and my still nursing Mims, I don't generally give them a thorough once over as I should. I guess I figure at a young 27 years, regular dr's exams, no history of breast cancer (all benign lumps in the fam have been after 40), three pregnancies and 3 years of nursing, and good overall health that lumps in my breasts were not a worry. Plus I figured I'd paid my dues with all the abnormal paps, calposcopies, leep procedures, poking, prodding, slicing and dicing. I guess I thought my body would only screw me in one function, not multiple. But there in lies my fear.
Many women in my family have had benign cysts found in their breasts, removed without incident. Said lumps arose pre, during and post menopause. None that I know of were so early in life. I am one of the first and few to not only nurse, but only nurse 3 babies for a total of 3 years. (This is said to help reduce the risks of breast cancers.) Many of the same woman dealt with abnormal paps and biopsies, none dealt with leeps in order to remove "problem" cells. My mom's lump a few years ago educated me in what I have to come. They will most likely biopsy it. Which means they will either stab a needle or make an incision deep into the center, where the lump resides, of my breast. This will most likely leave a disfiguring scar, because I don't have enough, and hurt beyond engorgement. Once they determine cancer or not, they will most likely go back in to remove said lump, and proceed with treatment as necessary. To be perfectly honest the idea of starting testing again on an entirely new issue turns a knot in my stomach I cannot explain. I just want to live a healthy whole life. Apparently I have not accepted my body and released all of my attachment to certain pains. Emotions in my like are manifesting physically and I will be forced to deal with them.
What I really want to do is ignore it. Once I acknowledge it with a Dr., then move into identifying it, it will become part of my reality. A reality that includes my hubby and kiddos. If it weren't for them I would most likely wait 6 months to a year to see if it just might go away on it's own. It could. But because of them that kind of time just isn't available. In that time it could change and grow, become something else. Something that could cost me more precious time. I am a mother and a wife, I have very special people that count on me. They need me to be on top of my game always, so I must deal with this now. Fortunately my dr's office sees it the same way and Bonnie will see me tomorrow to figure out what to do about it. Until then I will try and think only positivity.

Is "God" really listening?

2008-02-29T07:27:00.002-07:00

I often wonder if the "god" of my youth is in fact still there, and listening. If perhaps I, as my grandmother would say, turned my back on "him" yet he is patiently waiting and watching.
The older I get the less religious I am and the more spiritual I become. I find it's not about rules bound in ancient books, written by old men. I see it as being about the beauty within and not in a mystical place we will acquire after death. That we should look inward to find the most sacred of places, not above.
Yet the world around me struggles to put everyone in a box, labeled for religious scrutiny. To say my "god" is in everything and everyone around me, the potential everywhere to come into fruition in everyday life. That my "church" is in any place I feel it move me. That I don't meet my congregation at any specific time in a allocated destination, but wait for the moments where I can be a reflection and live my beliefs in each day. Putting that out there would surely have every religious labeled man, woman, and child shouting blasphemy. How could they understand raising my children in a spiritual way without boundaries from ancient times and the fear of punishment lashed down from a "heavenly father" that is supposed to love them unconditionally as I do. I just don't see how teaching them that the truest of all love will only continue to love them if they fit into slot A, but if they should falter as we all do they risk eternal damnation by the one love that should matter the most. In my heart I know that the truest love they can find is deep inside. To love themselves for the being of light that they are. That "god" dwells inside every living entity on this planet. They only have to look with an open soul to find it.
I think the spirit of God is such a beautiful idea, mucked up by people afraid of what they would find if they looked within. So instead they insist that following a set of guidelines on the outside will somehow grant them spiritual beauty on the inside. It doesn't matter how well you sugar coat a piece of shit, it is what it is. If you don't spend a little time everyday being the light within it will get mucked up with crap, crap that can only be purged by seeing the beauty and reveling in all that is around us. Not by asking for forgiveness from a higher power simply because you fear punishment in the afterlife.
If "god" is still there and is listening, she must be so disappointed in this light called man. Taking such simple principles of life and twisting them into the modern day judgemental vehicle that organized religion is. Tacking a simple name and face to her for worship. Yes, I will teach my children that god is all around, in each of. That by looking within and loving what's inside, they will find "god" and learn to be the spirituality that this crumbling world of ours needs. To fill themselves up with life and share it; in that god will not be watching but living.

Rainy Day Schedule

2008-02-15T07:36:00.001-07:00

Rainy days make for long and lazy days. I've managed to do some housework, but mainly goofing with the kiddos. It's very dark and dreary for 3 in the afternoon. Mims seems a bit testy today, those teeth may be working on her again. The gums look inflamed and she was only interested in squishy foods yesterday and again this morning. Makes sense.

The boys are just stir crazy with all the shut in. Last week's unusually warm temps allowed us to spend more time outside, making this week's rainy, winter weather a bit confining. I will do my best to savor it, as I know the hot dog days of summer are at our doorstep. Perhaps a bit of a splash about is in order.

Bitter Sweet Misery.

2008-02-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

It is still relatively early around here, all three kiddos still asleep, the youngest passing gas next to me in my bed. Yet I leapt up and dashed from my bedroom quickly this morning less I miss my besdfriend's departure. Today Lashelle and Emily will make their final push in moving to Cali. There is a big part of me that feels like it's another one of the many trips she took while staying here, but the welling tears I keep having let me know that deep down the truth hurts. And yes, she snuck out quietly this morning and I missed her.
Sure I am excited to have Mims' room back, but at a price I'm not totally ready to pay yet. Couldn't she have just moved in down the street? Did Aaron have to drag her all the way to Cali? And I didn't get a vote in this! Urbn's whining in the backyard for Lady speaks volumes for my ache right now.
Last night I refused to have the drawn out, tearful goodbye. I big hug and words of appreciation (and a touch of sarcasm) for the time she stayed with us is all I could muster. I knew that if I broke down I would beg her not to go. Make her promise to come back in a month and visit for a week or three. Tell her how hard this is gonna be on ME. But I wanted her adventure to be kicked off with delight. Her place is with her husband and his place is in California right now. I will surely be out to visit in May for her birthday.
I am at a place of peace with this. That doesn't change that today will be a day of mourning for me. I plan to take the kids to the park, giving myself a bit of quiet with my thoughts. Maybe cry a little here and there cause that's okay. Change has never been an easy thing for me, but it is always good. Jer will return tonight and comfort me. Tomorrow we will paint Mim's room and Sunday move all her stuff over. By Monday the changes will be complete and the odd emptiness that will occur after Jer returns to work may be just enough to drive me insane. The kids and I will have to adapt yet again. Six month is a long time to have your every day life turned inside out, and man will we miss it.
Thank you so much Shelle for staying with us for the past 6 months. It was fabulous, challenging, joyous, exciting and pleasantly painful. You were and continue to be a thorn in my ass and I love you for it. I was so glad we could do this for you, so glad my kids could get to know you better, so glad we could have this time before you left. You will always be a very special friend to me, no matter the people who pass through my life. Our friendship is unique in that I don't see you as a friend, you are my sister. We can be brutally honest with each other, vent, get all bent outta shape and laugh it off later. I love you not in despite of your faults, I love you for them. Because without out them you would not be the light that you are. You and your family always have a standing place in my heart, my life and my home. Please feel free to make yourself welcome anytime.

Violated

2008-01-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

There is no worse feeling than that feeling of personal violation you get from a stranger when they take it upon themselves to come uninvited into your space, rummage through your things and take whatever they choose. So you can imagine the feeling I got when I opened my van to find the contents of my glove box gone through and thrown about, the contents of Miriam's diaper bag purged into the passenger seat, diaper bag gone, all of my random change snatched and the cap Jer had left on the dash also gone. I can't seem to recall any of the other things I may have had in the van that could be missing. I am thankful that I had removed my IPod just the other day, using it while I cleaned my couch. Perhaps Urbn's mishap was a blessing in disguise. Had I not used it last week and stored it in my purse, it would have been in the van at the time of said violation.

Although I shook and cursed the entire time I cleaned the mess, called Jer, Lashelle and my Mom to inform and vent profusely, it really was a cheap lesson to learn. Hell the Children's Place clothes of Miriam's that they dumped from the $2 diaper bag was worth more than the change. The most frustrating thing is it happened in my own driveway. My personal safety bubble had just been ruptured. And according to the community bulletin board home and vehicle break-ins were on the rise. Taking advantage of people feeling secure in their own neighborhood.

And I'm sure I didn't lock it on Sunday after groceries. So now we will be more diligent with locking the vehicles, closing the garage, checking doors and windows to make sure they are locked and setting the alarm anytime there will be nobody home. I for one will be at the next HOA meeting trying to rally the people of my small community to a neighborhood watch, because looking out for each other is our best bet. I will now watch over my shoulder, judging my surroundings in my own driveway as I would a parking lot. Because do we really know what or who is lurking. And it's just our comfort that has invited these evils in to take advantage of our quiet safety zone. No more, I will now have to question anything out of sorts or unusual because obviously better safe is always better than sorry. Not to mention I hate feeling violated.

Feeling grateful.

2008-01-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

I try to be humble and grateful for all the fruits in my life. The many blessings that have been bestowed on me are mountains high. Today I am feeling especially special.

Last night we had dinner, drinks, and a movie with Lashelle and Aaron. Despite Aaron's newly accuired title of "Law Enforcement Officer" for the forestry service, we had a really good time. I'm gonna miss those two. I only wish our new "couples" friendship had been founded sooner. But all things have their reasons. We will surely be out to visit them in Cali soon enough. I will stick to my plan for a girls weekend in San Francisco for Lashelle's birthday in May. The boys want to tag along, and we may just have to do that if I can find someone crazy enough to take all three of my kiddos for 3 or 4 days.

Having Lashelle move is all too bitter sweet. Yes I do want my house back. It's been fun but I want Miriam in her own room again. I want to paint it frilly girl colors and put all her toys away. But that in turn means my bestfriend will be moving much further away. Seeing her so regularly, sometimes daily has spoiled me. We truly have an odd relationship as friends go, it's like Yin and Yang I suppose. Even our spouses are so different, yet seem to have a good time together. This year will truly be the start of something entirely new for me yet again. I will no doubt struggle at times, but look forward to the forced growth. I am really excited for them. Envy really. To get to move someplace entirely new. Setting off on an adventure like that with Jer and our little clan. I would love to move out of Arizona! New places and people. But alas our place is here.

So beyond the tears I will be wishing them all the best. Besides, having a vacation spot in Northern California ain't so bad.

Okay, let's try this again.

2008-01-10T15:31:00.000-07:00

Another year and I'm am again vowing to blog, oh so much more. It's therapeutic. But instead of a long list of things I WILL do this year, a short list of things I WILL NOT do again/anymore this year;

1. I will stop stressing over money. It will always come and go, that is something I can count on. We are in a good place, stable, and we do not go without. It is undo stress.

2. I will not lose my temper. Really it gets me nowhere and ruins my day.

3. I will not skip yoga or dessert. Life is too short and they both make me sooooo happy and zen.

4. I will not try to be superwoman. I'm pretty damn good, killing myself to do it all faster isn't worth the aches.

5. I will not skip "me" time because I feel guilty. I am on shift 24/7, an hour here or there is a drop in the ocean.

6. I will not commit to things I can not realistically handle taking on.

7. I will not take for granted my children being so young and dependant on me. Really, how long will I get this for? Pretty soon they'll be annoying, ungrateful teenagers, dependant on me. At least now they are cute and timeout and naps are options.

8. I will not give up an opportunity to nap for an opportunity to clean. Nuff said.

9. I will not dwell on the past or spend too much time focusing on the future. I need to spend more time creating in the now.

10. I will not sweat the small stuff, and generally it all is.

Well the list was longer than intended and could have probably used some things I WILL try and do more of this year like spirituality and exercise, but I do that every year. I'm sure I'll look back at this in 11 months and find a new spin to try it all anew next new year. I guess intentions are like assholes.....

La La La..... Not listening.

2007-08-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

Today nobody sleeps. I relish in naptime. Whether it's working out, reading or vegging it's about the only "me" time I get all day. So when my boys boycott we all suffer, because as we all know if mommy is not happy, NOBODY is happy.
Aside from my frustrations at this moment, I am very happy in my life. We have more than we need to get by, I enjoy my children (at some point) every day, we are in a place to help Shelle and Aaron out while he's away training (it also gives me a chance to get close to my favorite redhead), Jer and I seem more in touch with each other than ever, baby Miriam is growing like a wee little weed, and summer in AZ is coming to a close. Yes life is pretty good. Oh wait, then there's "the girls". No not Emily and Miriam, but the dynamic duo in the backyard. Lady and Urbn are little by little eating my backyard up. Yesterday Urbn literally ate a piece off the playset. Boredom I assume. And yes, just as the rest of the homes inhabitants' mental health seems to fall on mommy, as does the well being of our four legged fury friends. So she and I will embark on a walk at least once, maybe twice a day. Perhaps as the weather permits we can engage in even more activity that will persuade her to NOT dine on my plants. They can't taste very good so I am left to assume it is a personal attack on me.
So lets tally...... my job duties to date are:
Maid, Chef, Nanny, Teacher, Tailor, Chauffeur, Gardener, Handy Man, Nurse, Personal Assistant (to the hubby), Art director, Mistress (again for the hubby), Plumber, Recreation lead, Psycologist, Dairy cow, and now Dog Trainer. Man am I due for a raise!

The birth of a Miracle!

2007-03-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

Miriam Shiloh Elsesser arrived on March 20, 2007. She weighed in a tiny 5 pounds 11 ounces and 18 inches long. She is my little peanut. At just over 37 weeks she's considered a preemie. Her birth was nothing near normal though. I had my regular doctor check-up that morning, Zander woke up ill and I was in a hurry to have my quickie visit/routine checks and be on my way. I never expected my day would turn out as it did. Everything seemed to be fine as the nurse tracked the heartbeat on the doppler and did my weight. I commented to Dr.Villa about less movement, assuming it had to do with the late stage in pregnancy and baby running out of room quickly. He suggested an NST just to check in on things, both of us sure it would just be "routine". I was told it may be a few hours before I could get in for the NST as there were others waiting. I knew that was not an option since I had promised Zander I would be back soon to care for him. I made a quick call to Jer to update him that all was well, they were just being overly cautious. I had this with both of the boys and it turned out both times as normal and I went a few more weeks pregnant with both of them. I even said that I was temped to skip it, and Jer insisted I take the test just to be safe. Fortunately they got me in within 20 minutes.
It all seemed normal as they hooked me up, until the nurse was struggling to get baby's heartbeat. I KNOW what an NST is, I KNOW baby's heartbeat should be loud and proud on this high tech machine. I KNOW this is no doppler, I KNOW what my heartbeat compared to baby's sounds like and I KNOW I am only hearing mine. I KNOW something is not right. I start to feel dizzy as the nurse excuses herself, stating something is wrong with the machine. (I am now trying to remember if I ate this morning. No, pretty sure I skipped it thinking my dr visit would be quick and I could grab something while I was out.) I'm feeling nauseous as the head nurse comes in. She runs the wand over my belly a few times, I hear a racing heartbeat, then it's gone. (Oh good it's there, stupid machine must be screwing up.) She excuses herself after I tell her I'm feeling dizzy and she confirms I look very pale and clammy. She returns with some juice to get my blood sugar up, and Dr.Moratz enters just as I finish chugging it. He runs the wand back and forth and I can't hear anything over the bells ringing in my ears. He pokes his head out the door shouting something, my vision is barely clearing of black spots when he's now in front of me putting my shoes on and getting me to my feet. "We need to see baby on an ultrasound so I'm taking you to Labor and Delivery. We need to go now." I'm too focused on not passing out to ask questions like why are we running out the back door of the office and in through the back door of L&D or why can't we use the ultrasound machine in the office. Nurses are already waiting with the machine in a labor room for us and I'm being moved around so fast I may just pass out now. Someone takes my purse, my shoes are off and I'm on the bed. A nurse is pulling my shirt over my head when I hear the dr saying "I got nothing, tell them we're coming for an emergency c-section now!" Their pulling off my shorts and I'm being checked as a fully suited up surgical team enters and I'm being wheeled down the hall with Dr.Moratz on the bed and my water breaks, I feel the warm gush. He tells me I'm having an emergency c-section, he can't get a heartbeat on the baby, my eyes well up and the lump in my throat is so huge I have to force myself to speak. "Can someone please call my husband?" The lights over my head are blinding. A nurse removes my final piece of clothing, my bra, as they move me to the surgical table and drape me. People are telling me it will be okay, I'm doing a great job (at what? not losing all composure? I don't even really know what's going on!) and to just breath, but I'm pretty sure I'm hyperventilating. A small man, I thing he's an anaesthesiologist, asks me my weight pre-pregnancy as he's strapping down my arms and inserting an IV. I dictate Jer's cell to Dr.Moratz who is calling from the operating room wall, a cold feeling is rushing into my arm and I hear "Hello is this Carrie Elsesser's husband?" as the blackness takes over. No not yet, I want to feel the baby just one more time. I'm not done being pregnant yet!

"Carrie. You're okay, you can wake up now." The unfamiliar voice is so far away. I have to fight to pull my eyes open just a little. I see two masked faces over me. The lights are moving overhead which means I must be moving. "Carrie you're out of surgery and the baby is..." "No, you're not supposed to say anything yet." Okay the haze is pretty thick, but I'm pretty sure this is not a dream and they aren't telling me something about my baby. Oh no, the baby was in distress! What aren't they telling me?!
I can't really assess where I am now, small room with curtains. I have heavy blankets on me, yet I am cold. Nurses are checking IVs and I hear "She's awake, but still groggy. You can see her now." A familiar face pokes around the curtain, it's Jer and although he looks more stressed than I have ever seen him, he smiles. He takes my hand, IV still in. I have to fight to open my eyes and look at him, I fight harder to talk. "How's the baby?" Still not even sure I want the answer. "She's doing fine. We have a girl. " I start to weep uncontrollably and Jer squeezes my hand. The nurse tells him it's normal after surgery to be emotional. Normal? I just had my child ripped from my womb, the last thing I knew was there was no heartbeat, there was nobody there with me going in, I could only hope that they reached Jer otherwise nobody knew what was going on, then a nurse won't tell me about my baby. What about this is "normal"?
While the clouds are clearing for me Jer leaves to get HER. We have a HER, and she has no name. We thought we still had time, guess all those dreams are coming true. A nurse filling in my charts tells me how they had no heartbeat on her going in. Her cord wasn't wrapped, everything looked normal. She was unresponsive at first but after cutting her cord and a bit of oxygen she perked right up. Better out than in I guess. I get her weight and length. Tiny, but healthy. Mom comes in looking, well mom-ish. She's smiling and stroking my shoulder as I tell her all I know about the situation. I must have taken a few years off her life today, I know a few have been taken from mine.
Jer returns with the littlest sweet angel I've ever seen. She has some short, fuzzy brown hair and is sleeping. I want to nurse her, I want to bond. My body hurts so bad, but just holding her, smelling her head makes me forget.
The next few days are a haze. I slept little do to the only real pain I remember, the air trapped in my shoulder joints. I am in awe of my peanut daughter. Nurses repeatedly tell me what a miracle I have. No known reason for her distress, simply luck that her decelerated heartbeat was caught on a NST. A phone call from Dr.Moratz after I returned home, just to tell me what a miracle we have. He admits that he thought it was too late and that he expected her not to make it when we were going in to surgery. It's not known for how long she was in distress, we do know she was breech; turned from the previous dr's appointment.
I have a 4 inch scar above my hairline to forever remind me of that day. It was 18 minutes from me walking through the back door of Labor and Delivery til her birth. I never take for granted the little things. I knew my connection to a daughter would be different, but she is also our miracle. She is known as the miracle baby at my OBGYN. I can hardly bear to leave her, since I came so close to not having her at all. She is loved dearly and I'm sure will be spoiled to the Nth degree. I will never be ashamed or bitter about my scar. It humbles me each time I look at it or run my fingers across it's smooth pink surface. It is a reminder of what I almost lost. It also reminds me why our family is complete with Miriam, I just could not bear 9 months stressing over what "might" or "might not" happen.

What's in a name?

2007-03-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

We have gone round and round about names for this baby. Even though we do not yet know the sex, we still feel we should be prepared with names come birthday. We have many option for boys that we like. Little does Jer know that if we have a 3rd boy, I will finally have my Micah. Micah what? Really doesn't matter, Jer pick the middle name, but Micah he shall be. Other names we have tossed about are Mason, O'ren, Eleanor, Shiloh, Gillian, Kia but it's hard not knowing. We try to attach ourselves, but what if we come up with the perfect name and get the opposite sex? With just over a month to go and a new house and puppy the clocks a tickkin'.
I keep having the same dream over and over: The baby has arrived. I pass her off and keep telling each visitor that "It's a girl, but she has no name." I get more and more frustrated each time I have to say it. Do I really KNOW it's a girl. Is that what my body is telling me? Or am I just stressed over not having a name we are totally in love with yet. Both of the boys were named by 6months, yet here I sit on the verge of my 9th month with little more than ideas. A huge part of me is hoping for and would be relieved by another boy; even though the rest of the world seems to think we were "trying" for a girl. I am over prepared for a boy, including the name....Micah. Someone said to name a girl Micah, but I always pictured a little blond-haired boy with big blue eyes named Micah. NOT A GIRL. Perhaps that's why the baby in the dream is female, because I've named a boy. Having a girl would mean all new baby supplies and the dreaded naming conundrum.
let's just hope the sight of her inspires something. Perhaps she will just look like a ...... well it will come to me. Jer named Urbn before we ever got her home. Maybe there will be a nurse with a special name or maybe April, since she will most likely come in April. Or a movie with an outlandish character we just love, gods hopefully something. Then again, perhaps it will come to me in a dream.

ALOT of New.

2007-02-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

We move into our new home March 1st. Ours. Not rented, ours. Our new puppy should be coming home about the same time. With all this going on I am happy to go over my due date with this baby. I feel fantastic, best pregnancy ever. I've only gained 14lbs so far and I eat pretty much what I want, including indulging my strongest craving once or twice a week; McDonald's chocolate shake and large fries. Must be all that yummy saturated fat. Aside from wishing I could be more interactive with my boys, my big ol' belly gets in the way of floor play and picking them up is a no-no, I wish this last pregnancy could stretch a little longer. All the house stuff has taken away from the time I would like to be spending basking in my pregnancy glow. With house shopping, paperwork, packing, cleaning, signing, meeting up AND normal day to day I just don't seem to have the time to sit back and reflect. It saddens me that this is my last. The last time for a tiny life to grow in my womb. The last time I feel a tiny kick in the ribs, roll over the bladder, or bump in the night. I have my memories of my childbearing time, but we all know memories are so fleeting. If money and time weren't an issue I'd be happy to have a 4th. I love Jer and I as parents, but we are stretched thin already. A small part of me thinks maybe down the road we could have just one more and is hesitant to make anything final. But I also know that I want to go back to school and invest a little time in me. For me and for my family. I have two, almost 3, children who depend on me. That's plenty. I want to give them things we didn't have, I want to show them so much and they cost plenty. So we will forever be in love and satisfied with the 3 we have in our lives and never wonder about any we didn't decide to have in the future. There is enough new going on right at this moment, let's hope or next new shows up a little late.

Secrets are so hard tp keep.

2006-08-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

How do you hide something that is becoming so obvious? You just want to scream "I'm pregnant, not fat!", but technically you aren't allowed to tell. The doctor will see you at nine weeks, with his thumbs up you get to announce your, impending little bundle. Until then you are just getting fatter, going to the gym a couple times a week.
Perhaps I wouldn't be getting much bigger if it weren't for the late night cereal craving that has popped up. I can't complain, this WILL be the last time and I really do want to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to blow up like a Macy's day float, but I want to stop sweating the scale and just try to be healthy. "Nothing Tastes As Good As Being Healthy Feels"
I must admit I did/do have some reservations about this pregnancy, but I know that will all be washed away as our next addition begins to move about in a way that I can feel. How will I manage all 3? Will even more of me be swept under the rug until I can "get around to it"? Am I just asking to be committed? And as much as I can say I will love and adore being a mommy to yet another baby boy, there is this tiny voice inside that is begging for a daughter. For me...yes, but more so for Jer. The joy of being a father to a daughter, having "Daddy's little girl", her seeing him as the biggest and strongest man ever. And I know because he is such a wonderful husband, father and man, he will be the one she compares all men too. Thank goodness she will have that and not suffer for years trying to figure out how she "should" be treated.
Of course I am realistic and I know we could very well be adding another boy to our brood, at least I will remain Queen of my castle and share my crown or jewels with no-one. Not to mention I have all the hand-me-downs a baby boy could ever need.

Zander is 1!

2006-07-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

So his first year has past. Man it just flew by. Aside from taking a few steps, he still prefers crawling to get to his desired location. He's on a free-for-all when it comes to food, anything goes..... at least once. But no mac and cheese or hotdogs for this boy. Favorites included chicken, grapes, yogurt (especially mommy's special yogurt/granola/fruit concoction), banana, and potaoes-cooked just about anyway. I guess it could be worse, oh and icecream when he can get it.
Looking at him makes me want another baby, he just grew too fast. He's so anxious to catch up to Tristan, wants to do anything he does and be anywhere he is. But I guess that is the idealation of a big brother. Most often Tristan loves to have Zander play, engages with him and all. Then there are the time he doesn't want to share Daddy jungle gym or Mommy's lap. It's these times we try our hardest to explain sharing and what being a big brother means.
Vocals are still a hit and miss depending where you rank on the Zander-needs-o-meter. Daddy is a big one, Tistan, kack (cat), no, Mommy (when in desperate need or desperately tired), and Woos Woos (Blues Clues). Ahh yes the beloved Blues Clues. Can be my life saver some days.
Yes this year has flown by. My baby is now a toddler and I long for the days of an infant sleeping on my chest. Zander will still catch a nap on me if given the opportuniy, of course he is a lot heavier and less delicate, but my baby he will always be.

Happy Birthday T-man!

2006-05-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

This time, 3 years to the day, I was lying in a hospital bed at Chandler regional, Jer snoozing on the couch, listening to the tiny racing heartbeat of my 1st born. I was anxious to meet him and look upon his face. I had envisioned and dreamed of it many times, and now the moment was so close. I was but a few hours from true mommy-hood and could barely contain myself. It was like I was 5 on Christmas morning! Who needed sleep and why on earth wasn't everyone else as wired and ready as me? He would finally arrive just after 11 weighing in at 7lbs 3oz and 21inches long. Quite the bundle and perfect taboot. Head full of dark hard and a glowing olive tone he no doubtedly got from his father. We were the proud parents.
Today Tristan is a racing toddler. We have had little worries, aside form the occasional cracked noggin, scrape or bruise. He is smart as a whip and just as quick. He is a big brother and still my baby. Today he is 3 and as excited as I am to see him grow and change, lost are the days of new motherhood and spending hours with him in the recliner nursing, rocking and napping. Now I am just happy if he'll take a nap, but he's still sleeping in our bed! Why is it that the best things are always so fleeting? Perhaps it's so we will stop and take a longer look knowing that this moment is more special than the bad days. Than all the bad days in one, this moment of happiness, of love, of life is so special and will never be again. We need to breathe it in and take stock of it. As today Tristan turns 3, in fact just a mere 3 hours from now, we will celebrate this day and remember those fleeting moments of new family bliss and think of the years as a family we have to come.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE T-MAN! love mommy

That's what Hawaii Girls are made of!

2006-05-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Mommy's Day to me! I got to have the best friends a girl could have, when they will take your ass on a trip to Waikiki, Oahu Hawaii. We had a blast and tore it up like we young again. Drinking, dancing and lots of beach time.
We departed on Thursday, they picked me up before 4am, a bit overly excited. We would have a layover in Oakland, and yes start our trip off right with a morning drink. Then shuffled ourselves around a bit on the plane to have seats together, but we made it work. Could the flight there BE any longer! Arrival we found ourselves a shuttle and off we went. Unfortunately for us the hotel we chose was a bit less extravagant than their webpage promoted. No drink or lea upon arrival. Then we get to our room and instead of the requested 2 double beds we expected, there was 1 full. Are you FREAKING kidding me! Lashelle did her best to complain, she's just not bitchy enough.... insert Carrie here. After insisting they had no other rooms, but would do their best to correct their error on Friday, we accepted free Starbucks for our stay and a rollaway. Don't ask how four grown woman can all sleep on 1 full size bed and a single roll away, just use your imagination and make it work. Or maybe we were just that tired after our trip and then exploring and drinking up Waikiki til late Thursday.
But we were on the move by 7am on Friday to hit the International Market Place, of course Starbucks run first. A shoppers delight. When we finally realized it was lunch time, and only halfway through the market with bags strung from our arms, it was time to break. Drinks it is! So we found a nice little place overlooking the market that had cheap Mia Tai's and yummy nachos and we were set. Drop our bags at the hotel and back to the market, no joke. By afternoon we were done shopping, so we popped into a little bar and had.... you guessed it. More drinks and a few games of pool. A few drinks later we made our way back to the hotel for a quick change of clothes and YES a new room. Complete with 2 beds and a BEAUTIFUL ocean view! We couldn't be more pleased. We dressed and hit a street fair going on right outside our hotel that offered samples of delicious food from Waikiki's finest restaurants, some hot Polynesian dancers, lea making, a live band, and shopping. We managed to find a great poolside bar at a nearby hotel to sit and chat at until we needed to move on. A band at our lunch stop for that day proved to be a good option so we hit it up. A few drinks in a nice and large gentleman made his way over to Lacy, layed a hand on her shoulder and swatted at her long brown locks. (Due to the fantastic weather in Hawaii just about everything is "open air" so all the "natives" can just wander in. No biggie to see a gecko crawling the walls, but a GIGANTIC cockroach nose diving into Lacy's hair was just excessive. Fortunately for her this nice man had her back. We felt the need to buy him and his girl a drink for being such nice citizens. The cockroach was 86ed for annoying other patrons.
So once we were kicked from that venue, they suggested we head over to a place across the way with a dj til 4am. Well why not? Some how my drink was always full when I came off the dance floor (thanks Shelle) and eventually Lacy and I had put enough alcohol into Lashelle and Lynn to get them dancing, err yeah dancing until the lights went up and the music shut down. As Lashelle was paying the tab she decides what the hell, a shot of goldslauger it is, ALL AROUND. So we four put down our shot and began the stagger back to the hotel. Good thing that the sidewalk was empty cause we were all over it. And once outside our hotel we needed to sit and have a break, or Shelle and Lacy needed to wander off with some strange rasta guy. SO I followed across the street to supervise, then decided a 4am swim sounded better, and it felt GREAT! We hung out beachside til the sun came up. As we giggled our way through the front doors of our hotel a nice young Hawaiian lad grabbed us some warm towels, sweet boy, and we made it back to our room. I hit the balcony to get some great sunrise shots to come back in to the others all in the shower, together, and not naked. They were giggling like kiddies. After havingly to strongly decline an invite in, I slipped out to grab some breakfast for everyone and returned to all of them sleeping. Sleeping, at 7am, in Hawaii?! Not me! I ate, showered, dressed and ventured out. I ended up getting some souvenir shopping done and wandered a few local shops on the off street. I talked with some local artists about Hawaiian history and culture. Took pictures of beautiful flowers, trees and architecture. Such a marvelous time, spent alone.
Returned early afternoon and awoke the girls for some beach time, which I retired early from to get some sleep that my body was calling for. How old am I? There was a time not far ago that I could go for an entire weekend without missing a beat. Man am I old. I got away with a few hours before I was woke up to head to dinner. We all were looking far from spring chickens through-out dinner, not even finishing our drinks. Nobody even suggested stopping for a drink or club all the way back to the hotel. By the time we were in our room the consensus was "Well guess since we're here......". I slept so well that night.
Sunday, my final day. Oh sweet bitterness. Oh how I miss my boys, oh how I LOVE Hawaii. We headed out early to hike Diamond Point; an extinct crater that offers a nice little hike to reward you with a superb view of Waikiki and the ocean. Exquisite!
We decided to walk the 3 miles back to our hotel, it was all downhill. The walk provided both a senic view of residential Waikiki, but the time to discuss and decide to get tatoos from Hawaii. Back at the hotel we called to find a tatoo shop open on Sunday and close to the hotel. After lunch we walked probably two miles to get there. (All the walking helped burn off all that good island food and eat more. =) We were tatood by Michelle, a local gal. She looked 22, and was in her late 30's! She said the island air keeps you young. Something about the moisture and salt in the air. I dunno, but her skin was lovely. She had a great laugh and put a just perfectly placed orchid on my right lower leg. Lashelle got a lizard on her foot, and Lacy a sea turtle with the Hawaiin islands within the turtle- the neatest design.
We had to hoof it back to the hotel so I could get packed and changed to catch a late jet plane. I had one last shot with my Hawaii Girls before they put me on a shuttle with a crazy, old polynesian, female driver. She drove like a nutt and told all of us crazy things about the island and local happenings. The drive took longer than anticipated and I was rushed through the line at the airport to run and catch my plane.
I was seated between a rather large gentleman that was passed out beyond his "sacred seat line" and a tall skinny guy who passed out shortly after take off. I was on the red eye and sleep deprived, but the stress of my 1st solo flight combined with my discomfort of touching strangers and I'm huddled in the middle of my chair, headphones in, watching the inflight movies. I actually cried during the end of Elizabethtown, but nobody noticed CAUSE THEY WERE ALL SLEEPING. I did catch the brilliance of day coming up over the large gentleman snoring. I knew I was close to home and my 6am arrival.
What a trip. And I got to come home to my guy. Who not only took care of our boys and made sure I had money to spend, welcomed me home to a clean home and a Mother's Day gift; adorable ruby and diamond earrings. I am so spoiled! Although I don't expect to get this every year, I will always remember that my guys think I am worth it.

Hit the ground running.

2006-05-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

It's never good to stay up late, then get up every hour with a teething baby. But when the first sound of your morning is the toddler slamming the nightstand door, and you roll to scold him to not wake the baby and land your hand in a puddle of urine in your own bed, the day is not going to be good. So my feet didn't really touch the floor as I leaped to escort my sopping tot to the comode and strip my bed before my new mattress suffered the consequences. And of course all that grumbling and hustle woke our poor teether. So I have been on the move since, well I never really looked at the clock. They were ready to eat and play, that coupled with the loads of laundry created for me and the toys and dishes needing to be properly put away, and I have been a busy bee. And then it occurred to me I had forgot to put the trash out last night, and yes I was too late this morning. SO that will be two weeks of missing trash day. That and the rising temperature outside and I would strongly suggest you avoid using the side gate at all costs.

Desperate Sleep calls for Desperate measures

2006-04-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

So we planned a fun-loving Saturday night out. A party thrown by people we knew, good beats and lots of familiar faces. We dolled ourselves up and had a yummy Buca dinner. Arriving early was necessary to get home at a decent hour, but 9:30 is always dead. We were in South Phoenix, not the nicest nor safest neighborhood, but we found a well lit spot just down the street and parked for a bit. A well intended comment of "I should have caught a nap" from me ended with "let's just catch one now" from Jer. With doors locked, truck and ac running, we reclined our seats back and caught ourselves a quickie, nap that is.
I awoke two hours later to some chattering going on outside. I peered out to see, what to me, looked like a group of teenagers walking quickly to get to the Ice House. I took a long stretch and blink thinking I had simply dozed off moments before, to read the clock at 11:35. "Jer, if we're going in, we should do it now." His eyes popped open and sat forward. A blank stare peering out into the empty street. I didn't really want to drag my still half-sleeping self into the party, but would have gladly followed Jer in for bit. Perhaps a drink would perk me up. None the less I gladly agreed when he suggested driving home instead.
I let my eyelids droop closed my than a few times before we reached Gilbert and it never occurred to me to ask Jer if he was okay. Grandma was surprised to see us so soon and we ushered her out quickly. I hit the pillow fast and hard and picked right back up on my sleep. We snoozed until morning and laughed at ourselves the next day. "Lame old people" is what I called us. We have just moved on from that era in our lives and need to move on. We're day walkers now, with little people who would gladly get you up at 6am, but you may get lucky with 8. They don't care if you had a late night, too many drinks, danced too hard, or are just plain exhausted. It's day light and time to play. Juice please, then breakfast. Oh and my movie, you forgot to take me pee and change the little ones' diaper...........

Natural progression

2006-04-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

Day 3 of Potty Training:
Today we've only had 4 accidents. The first day counting accidents instead of triumphs is a welcomed variant. He now seems to understand his urge and most often can make the initiative to get to the potty before the flood gates open. His first solo success was announced by the infamous Dora cry "I did it!". He has since graduated to a simpler "YaaaaY"(arms waving optional). But alas my baby looks even more like a little boy in his Superman tight-y white-ys and less of the tiny babe I gave birth too. He still crawls into my arms to cuddle upon waking, but that is fleeting for sure.
Zander is currently testing the waters for walking by experimenting with standing. What was but a quick 2-3 seconds has evolved into 20-30 with a sudden step. And of course that shook his world and he immediately plopped on his cushy behind to ponder this new.... Walking. Of course crawling is much faster at catching Daddy and big brother. So dabbling with walking will have to be reserved for Tristan's naptime or the random short moments he gets to play with Mommy or Daddy alone.
Lately I have seen Tristan evolve into a loving big brother who occasionally suffers from a bit of sibling rivalry. I can often catch moments of bliss when T-man will pull Zander onto his lap and hug him like a teddy bear. Zander usually looks at him in total puzzlement before squirming like a worm about to be shoved on a hook. Of course Tristan just wants to love his "baby brudder" and can't imagine why Zander is not content to sit as still as he. Then there are times Tristan will haul Zander out of the way by dragging him by a foot away from, oh say the open refrigerator then run past him to slam it shut sending Tiny Z into a fit of rage. He will indeed pay him back later as he sits beneath the entertainment center and cries each time Tristan attempts a sneak scaling of it to switch DVDs when he is told specifically not to. This will attract the Mommy who will be punishing said brother. "That'll teach him to drag me".
I am truly blessed with my boys and although I have some days that I really feel as though I will pull each hair out of my head, I have far more that I am completely sure I could have another. Now convincing Jer that he could is a whole nother entry.

Sensible Shoes.

2006-04-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

The perfect top off to a long overdue pedi, is a new spring sandal. How convenient that Payless was two shops down from the salon. And as we tried on shoe after shoe, nothing was quite what I was looking for. I actually uttered the phrase "I need something sensible." Ya know, the kind of shoe that is fashionable and I can catch a racing toddler with baby on hip and run no risk of twisting an ankle. Am I actually picking my clothing based on my children? Later I pointed out the cutest skirt, but that nasal-y little voice came forward again with "I could never get on the floor and change a diaper in that". Who is this tired, obviously fashion retarded, boring motherly type emerging from within? It must be a split personality taking shape. I, Carrie Joy, would never ward off fashion for comfort. There was a time when I would cram my 8.5 into a 7.5 just to have "tinier" feet. Or cut off circulation and "suck it in" all night to wear a size or two smaller jean. Now I find myself grabbing the size up instead of down to accommodate my momma booty and have some wiggle room for floor time. Is this what happens when you have children? Along with your memory goes your sense for style? There are days I make the extra effort, but most days side on the all too convenient, cozy pants and "no bra needed" tanks. No perky boobs here! Just enough support while comfort remains #1.
So I guess all those comfy maternity clothes have ran into my dailey wardrobe. Or maybe I should slip back into those maternity clothes one more time. Then I'll have it out of my system. But I guess to do that and retain my dignity I'd have to produce yet another spawn, and that would for sure yank any chance of wearing something more than "sensible" for another 3 years.

Here's to a New Year

2006-01-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

Here's to a New exciting year with my boys! What will this New Year bring? Perhaps the best way to predict what is coming, is to review the past.
Jer and I met nearly 12.5 years ago. That's 4565 days, give or take a leap year. In that time we both moved around, met many people, crossed paths dozens of times, married and managed to bring two new lives into the world. What a funny universe. I can still remember orientation in 7th grade. I picked him out of all the boys, all of the people in the gymnasium that day and can distinctly recall thinking " I must get to know him". And what was thought to be a school days crush has turned into the relationship of my life. He is my bestfriend, companion, lover, and partner. I just could not ever see my life without Jer in it. Appropriate that he is the father to my children. Who could ask for a better life than one with your soulmate.
Tristan is our little defyer of odds. It shows. I was told I would struggle to get pregnant after my episode with cancer. And after 2.5 years with not even a hint of precaution, we figured doctors were right. Goes to show how much doctors really know, especially when they are sure. He continues to defy, us that is. Very A-typical almost 3 year old. I did things to and for our lives that is beyond explanation. He showed us our value in eachother, made us better for eachother. Pretty exceptional, probably why I let him get away with so much.
Baby Zander, exactly what every baby should be. He has a very calm and sweet disposition. Unless of course M Mommy just walked past him instead of picking him up as he so desired. Then he is whaling in agony. But a quick toss in the air will have him chuckling that heartwarming giggle in 2 seconds flat. He is a light that shines brighter than any beacon of the night. A soul of joy and I just adore him.
So if our New Year is any reflection of our past, we are still headed in the right direction. And in this world all you can do is continue to follow your heart and it will guide you. You just have to be willing to be humble, open, honest, and brave. Oh yeah and love, lots of LOVE.

Holy Hummer Batman!

2005-12-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

Christmas was quite the time this year. I started out saying I wouldn't buy them much this year and I now have toys from one end of the house to the other. They got several things they have shown little interest in and others that have become favorites for both of them AND the cat. It was a great day. We all congregated at my mother's and spent the day. Aunt Shelle dropped by with sweet Emily and Jack. My grandmother and her new husband came for the lunch feast along with my Aunt Jeanie and her hubby and they all surprisingly stayed for the larger part of the afternoon. And shortly before we called it a day, Judy and her family showed up. We were all shocked. Jer and I were only disappointed that for the 2nd holiday in a row we did not get to play a family game. It seems to be the best way for us all to bond, my brother and sister-in-law included.
But the big hit were the Hummers my parents bought for Bryan and Tristan. Tristan would ride for 10 feet, then jump out, ride for 10 feet then jump out. Not sure what he was doing, but it kept him busy. Aside from Zander having a small fever and his sinuses being plugged, he was an exceptional baby. He had a blast and rarely fussed. He actually spent a good amount of time entertaining others. Tristan took no nap and crashed before we got to the end of the street. Having to wake him when we got home was not fun and he actually stayed awake long enough for Grandma Sue to bring by even more presents. We had two duplicate presents, both came from Uncle Josh and one KIA thanks to Jer. He ran Tristan's new remote control Jeep right behind Bryan's hummer and it snapped the axle. This happened maybe 15min after T-man had opened it. Neil plans on taking it back to Walmart and exchanging it. We shall see.
All in all, a very Merry day.

G.I. Zander

2005-12-20T17:53:00.000-07:00

Zander started to push up on all fours then realized there was no need to lift that round belly off the ground to proceed forward. Instead he has taken to a very effective military crawl. He once rolled to achieve his desire, but now can keep his eyes on the prize and propell forward in an increasingly rapid pace to mange his mischief. At first he stayed in the main rooms of the house, primarily near toys and Tristan. But as his spead and stamina has increased, so have his boundaries. I cannot do dishes or laundry without my pint size companion. In the beginning I was able to huridly switch the laundry and intercept him in the hall. Now he is down the hall and in the cat's bowl before I can unload the dryer. Because I shudder at the idea of him discovering the cat's litter box, I have now pulled out of the garage the oh so effective baby gate. Tristan and the cats can both scale it with great ease. But it is very effective at limiting little Z and working Mommy's thighs as I hurdle it repeatidly during the day.
Tristan is very busy at kicking ass at Halo. He is learning so quickly and will repeat just about anything these days. For instance just the other day Mommy said a not so appropriate word and Tristan, in true toddler form, spouted it back out at me. Luckily his pronunciation is not quite up to par so it sounded more like DUCK. Yes yes, we have lots of ducks around here. Ducks that SIT, in case you hear him say that also. I'm working on changing my vocabulary, so if he calls you a poo head, it means you are not a good driver. Better than a ducker I suppose.

One Tooth, Two Tooth...

2005-12-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

They have erupted, finally! First one shiny, white point and then another. And now we have to bottom teeth. The sweet gummy baby grins of the past are gone. Now are the days of chunkier food, biter biscuits, and dare we say... Finger foods. I really didn't think he'd get a handle on them so quick. These Gerber fruit stars. Little rice puffs that taste like fruit flavored air. He spent a good twenty minutes learning to rangle the tiny things, but now he's got it down. Granted a few still go MIA into the high chair. But our wee- man is by no means picky. If Mommy is willing to rescue them, he is willing to eat them anyway. Next we try Cheerios.
The teeth have brought biting, particularly of the nipple. Probably good I have been playing with the idea of weaning. He takes formula well enough, I'm just not quite ready. We'll slowly taper it off and play it by ear. I did that with Tristan and he just gave it up one day. Granted he was a few months older, but this will be good. I'm just not myself and I'm a much better mommy when I'm back to myself and can have a bit more space. That and having my body all to myself, at least when I'm not holding, cuddling, swinging, wrestling, bouncing, well you get it. I know this from weaning Tristan and feeling like I hadn't felt in almost two years. Yes it is sad in a way. To be letting go of my baby in that sense. But I do feel close to him when he drinks from a bottle. No less either. We still cuddle. I talk to him and sit in awe of him. He is no less loved and he knows it.
With new teeth come new smiles for mommy to photograph. I have tons of gummy grins and soon billions more of his pearly new whites. My baby is so ever quickly growing into a tiny little man. No longer in constant need of mommy. But this is his body's way of expressing how ready he is to move on to bigger and less mushy foods. He is not my gummy newborn anymore.

The Hostess with the Mostess

2005-11-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I was a bit nervous about hosting Thanksgiving at our home this year. It being my first year to hostess and making the decision to invite both mine and Jer's families was almost too much.
I planned for weeks and wrote list after list. I made phone calls and follow-up phone calls, doing my best to get RSVPs and keep everyone on point. It was potluck style so I wanted to be sure there would be enough to feed everyone and have a variety that complimented each other. As the day approached I had my day planned out and a new outfit and apron even. I cleaned the whole house and kitchen and shopped days in advance to prepare.
Morning of Jer was kind enough to take T-man over to the Peterson's to romp on a giant, inflatable, obstacle course. I managed to get my shower in with Zander in a fairly good mood. Just as I was getting out, Shell and Aaron call, they are on their way. WTF! It was 12 and I told her 2! But since I rarely get her company, I won't hold it against her. No make-up, hair still wet and in my bathrobe. Shell knocks and I pass Zander off to her. (he had lost composure) Since she left Aaron in the car while the kids finished napping, she accompanied me to my room while I did something with my hair. Figuring I'd have plenty of time to get make-up on after they left and before I needed to dive into cooking, I put that off. Jer returned with an exhausted, dirty Tristan.
The next 4 hours were a blur, but these I know for fact:
1. Dinner was only 45 minutes late, perfectly timed with my mother-in-law's arrival. =)
2. I never did put my apron, bought especially for the day, and still can't find it.
3. For the most part everyone enjoyed themselves and we didn't screw it up. Jer played a pretty good host, although I hear he forgot many introductions. He did manage to keep everyone with a drink of some sort.
4. I never did put on any make-up.

So the day was a success. I can say I am proud. The boys were sweet and entertaining. They played and laughed with everyone. By evening we cleared the house and were getting our little turkeys to sleep. Perhaps I will not dread my next turn in the rotation, say in 3-5 years.

This Sucks!

2005-11-09T15:53:00.000-07:00

When Tristan stole a drink of soda from my cup at 10 months by grabbing my straw and sucking it up I was very surprised at his ability to observe and mimic. But when Zander slobbered down the cold, bitter-sweet Jamba goodness today I was beside myself. This boy is but 5 months old and is grabbing anything and everything and shoving it into his wee mouth to devour. I figured the rubbery straw on Tristan's cup would be a safe chew toy for the boy. Little did I know he would suck up the Jamba with such furry and fight to have it back once I realized what I had done.
But it's not just the Jamba or a cup for that matter that he fights for. You have to be weary of anything you eat or drink too close to mini-munchkin. His chubby arms wave about frantically with a gentle "Uh Uh" for anything he desires. If it so happens to be close enough to snatch, he grabs on with pudgy fingers of steel and raps it up in arms. Then the ever-flowing drool spout dives full faced into it. Perhaps, just maybe he'll get a bit into his mouth. He is so excited about anything he can get his grubby paws on and mouth. So imagine the squeals of delight emerging when his almost always futile attempts resulted in that fruity smoothie goodness. I had to "cut him off" or else feel the rath of a glucose induced high from my midgit man. So I guess we can safely say he is not allergic to strawberries, pineapple, or yogurt either.
As eating goes, Zander proves to be a pro. I can see my picky eater will be Tristan and I'll have to hide food from Z. It's just a matter of time before I come in to find Zander polishing off half a cheeseburger that Tristan left about. Or perhaps some mini-Oreos and a sippy cup full of chocolate milk. Something tells me this kid will self-wean himself at 9 months once he figures out what's inside that purple cup. I'd trade up too! So unless I start producing choc-nilk or Jamba, I may lose my bitty one shortly after he crawls. In the mean time I'll stop resenting nursing and milk it for all it's worth. hehe

Time flies...

2005-10-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

It was 5 months ago today that our sweet Zander joined our family and began enriching our lives. I can still remember waking up 6 days past due thinking I'd never be comfortable again. And by afternoon I was basking in the joy of my newborn 8lb 8oz 22in of boy. As I looked into his steely eyes I actually thought I could do this again, it really is worth it.
Today he rolls across the floor and giggles at his big brother. He eats cereal twice a day in an attempt to quench his healthy appetite. He has to be 17lbs by now! I struggle to not forget how tiny he was. How floppy he looked in his newborn clothes. Now he is spilling into 6-9month clothing with no slowing down in the future. He is on a faster pace than T.
Speaking of my ball of energy. I think 2 year olds were put in our lives to humble us. Anytime one finds themselves trying to explain why we do not squirt chocolate syrup onto the kitchen floor, then lye on our tummies nearly in it as to get a better angle to lick it up, you might start to question your ability as a parent. But when that same culprit, who will remain un-named, emerges from the bathroom in which you had him bubbled to wash off syrup. Soaking. Dripping wet and armed with a sopping loofa to aid in your efforts at cleaning up the mess. You realize that he does hear you when you repeatedly ask to help clean up. Now we have to work on applying skills when applicable; like drying off before you leave the bathroom and AFTER you have left the water and tub. (happened after I finished his bath and ran to check the baby before he shall remain nameless got out.)
It's times like these that make steam come from your ears while you are in the throws of it. But I smile even as I type this and will laugh when I tell the story years down the road. That's the kicker about motherhood; just when you think you've had your fill.... They smile and laugh and you realize they are just children and it's just carpet. You could have not had the night you had, but you wouldn't have that smile and laughter they bring. No more poopy diapers, but no more giggles of glee when you tickle, no more shrieks of joy just for your attention, no more tiny hands reaching for you just so they can be close to you. I would never trade it for the world, not even for a full nights sleep every night of my life. And yes, I could do this again.... Even the pregnancy.

In the still of the night.

2005-10-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

It is so funny how when Jer is out of town I can't seem to get to sleep. Both boys are out, and while I should take advantage and catch some ZZZZ's before Zander wakes for his 2am feeding, I sit here with my mind all a-buzz. Perhaps I just feel more safe and settled with Jer here. Not that I get that much quality sleep lately anyway, but I sleep worse when He is not in the house.
My boys keep me so busy and throw in Owen and I barely get the time to pee during the day. Funny how the weight on my ass manages to hang on despite how little I eat and the amount of chasing, bouncing, hopping, dancing and clean-up I do. You can't see it in my legs but I do hundreds of squats a day, although all the lifting is keeping my arms looking pretty lean. But we all know how a good pair of arms looks in tight jeans. (insert sarcasm here)
So as if I have a bounty of energy to spare, we are joining a gym in an attempt to lose our baby weight, yes Jer too, and get healthy. Which in turn, I am told, will reap more energy to be had in the end. Energy I am sure my boys will find something to do with.
If only we had a home gym I could burn some insomnia on. I already did some yoga and meditation, but that always got me refreshed and going in the morning. Not to be done for winding down in my case I suppose. SO late night television, here I come.

Please Sir, May I have some more?

2005-09-30T21:51:00.000-07:00

Just as Oliver begged for a bit more porage, my wee Zander begs/shrieks for more rice cereal. Then tops it off with a bit of booby. And as my aching back will tell you, this child does not suffer from failure to thrive. With pudgy legs all a-roll and his round little face beaming, you'd think my happy babe was about to burst at the seams, or perhaps just his Onsie is.
I look back at pics of his first days at home and remember the day I delivered 8lbs 8oz 22inches 6 days late and thought what a big boy he was compared to my T-man. But now he looks so small in those memories, swimming in his sleeper and just a tiny blob in his carrier. Now-a-days his big 'ol Flinstone feet hang past the edge of his swing and carseat. He rolls, both ways, off of his blanket and across the carpet. His eating cereal is just one more step to his everyday growth that I have the pleasures of experiencing.
Zander brings us so much joy, but he also reminds me off all that I missed with Tristan working and so overwhelmed with new motherhood. I really didn't get to take the time that I do now. I try to take pictures when I can and actually printed a load just the other day. Comparing pics of my boys taking first baths and rounding milestones, I can see the similarities and the differences more clearly. Tristan's pictures also give me a timeline of what is to be expected from Zander these next months. He will most likely crawl before Christmas and take first steps by Spring.
Each time I prepare the apple oatmeal or the banana rice cereal I am a bit sad. Sad that my baby has passed another 1st and I have one less 1st to enjoy with him. It all goes by so quickly and I often have to stop and remind myself how speedily these days will pass. Soon he will have his 1st Thanksgiving and Christmas. At which he will have his 1st encounter with all his crazy relatives. Then his 1st New Year, Valentine's, Spring, 1st words, steps, then inevitably his 1st birthday where he will pass into toddler-hood. And I will look back at these days of my little round face full of cereal and wonder what happened to my little babe?

Hawaii BABY"!

2005-09-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

Kauai was PARADISE! We are already planning our next trip. When, we don't know. But we are certain we must return to Hawaii in general, soon. The 350+ photos are proof of our amazement and wonder. We were so taken aback by the sheer beauty and that was just the drive from the airport to the resort! The Hyatt Regency was spectacular! Now maybe it's that I have only ever stayed in hotels for the purpose of sleeping and bathing, but now that I have experienced a RESORT! You could have stayed entirely in the resort and had a memorable stay. Our room had a balcony with an ocean view, from which I nursed Zander every morning. 5.5 acres of pool and lagoon area with tons of chairs on which to lounge made days lazy. Jer and I took a day to adventure the island. In the morning we were atop one of the highest points on the island, looking out on the Napali coast! The drive to get there was filled with enough flowers and fauna to easily get lost. By evening we had trekked to the other side of the island to scope out some caves and a couple of the busiest beaches we had seen. We had gone to and seen all that being limited to a car would allow. Baby Z' was such a trooper. He held out in true Elsesser style, as long as a face was nearby. I must admit I was even surprised at how little fussing he did on the entire trip. He flew like a pro both ways and seldom complained. I must say that I am sold on returning to explore the other islands. The atmosphere can't be beat, unless you are in a rush. The weather was fabulous and apparently they were having a heat wave. We were rained on usually twice a day, and it was unseasonably dry. We had great company and will have to work hard to make our next trip as comparable.

Better late than never.

2005-08-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

So I broke my promise of once a week, who can blame me with my schedule lately. Packing and planning for the move coming up very quickly next week has both Jer and I gitty as school girls! Our eyes light up like kiddies on Christmas when we talk about it. But just as soon as we are in and trying to arrange our lives again, we are off to Hawaii. Yes WE are off. I get to go, baby in tow. Poor T-man will have to stay with Grandma this time which I'm sure will get me a very disgruntled toddler once we return. We will be spending one whole week, departing early Tuesday morning and returning in much the same fashion leaving Hawaii on a red-eye Monday night. We are torn as to which we are more excited for; rejoining society in our spacious new abode or the beaches and tropics of Kauai. I'm sure we'll manage to love and enjoy each equally for their own aspects.
And hopefully soon Mom and Curt will move out of Egypt and we will never have to pack a lunch to make the journey. Yes I exaggerate, but it really has become torture with all the traffic and construction. I can't wait to use the expression "I'm just gonna run down to..." and truly mean it. Or actually just meet someone for lunch or a drink and it not be half the day.
Tristan will really enjoy the park just down the street. I hope we have some good neighbors. That would be nice for a change. Not that we don't have nice neighbors or haven't in the past, just some more our age with possibly something in common. I will certainly not be missing Queen Creek. Where most people have some attachment to the place they grew up, I do not. It is still the hole I spent my young years in and still holds a lot of the icky past acquaintances I don't care to run into. It is what I want it to stay, a memory. Now that I have learned to create my own reality, I prefer to push the one priorly created for me into the past.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho.....

2005-07-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

It's back to work I go on Monday. I hear that I may not have to put in two weeks in order for my maternity leave and medical to have been covered while I was out. We shall see. Although I am very excited to embark on my journey of motherhood, there is an anxiety there. I have never really been without a job for a long time. Not in the past 5 years anyway. And now to know I will not have a "job" for a few years is kinda freaky. Not that being a mom, let alone a stay at home mom is not work. It is the hardest work you can do. But without a paycheck or review and raises, how can I measure how I am doing?
I will miss my co-workers. I have been very lucky to work with a special group of people that in their own ways really do care for each other. We took great pride in our success as a team. I'll miss that. I really hope that after Jer and I rejoin civilized society I can see some of the girls on a more social basis. And speaking of that.....
We were informed this morning that we got the house we wanted. It's really nice, the amount of space we needed, green and pretty front and back and a spacious kitchen! I am so excited to move and am already planning my first dinner party!! Perhaps I will have a birthday party this year. Just an excuse to have people over, something we haven't done in a while. I will no longer be disappointed if I don't get to go to Hawaii, cause I'll have plenty to do in the new house!
Yesterday Jer and I celebrated 5 years married. We feel very lucky to be at such a great place in our relationship this early on, not that we didn't work to get here. Most people never find a place like this in a relationship, not even with their spouse. I really feel like I am getting it all; a husband that I have known for 12 years who loves and cherishes me like every woman hopes for, two beautiful, healthy boys that I now have the opportunity to stay at home with and raise, and we may actually be living in a home that is very close to what we will want to buy in the near future. But above all I am actually at a point that I can see how lucky I am and not take it for granted and for that I am truly grateful.

If only we could bottle all that energy....

2005-07-16T01:19:00.000-07:00

Since Tristan learned to walk I have been trying to figure out how to harness a bit of his energy, pill and bottle it. Oh the millions we could make from desperate mommies everywhere! I'm sure the same enigma parents of toddlers have for centuries been pondering. Well tonight I am posting at 12:42. The entire house has been asleep for hours. I, on the other hand, have been completely rapped up in conversation with Lashelle. God I miss living closer to her. When we were both living entirely different lives and struggling to find common ground in which to hang out on, we lived so close. And now that our lives are taking the same path and we once again have novels to share, we are entirely too far apart.
Tonight she needed to vent. Family issues of a nature I can relate. I know how during these times it is so important to have an ear to listen that is totally on your side. That's always been her for me so I am grateful for the two and a half hours of uninterrupted time I could give her tonight. She's one of those few people you find in your life that no matter how different or similar paths you walk, you have a bond that crosses into spirituality. I strongly believe that she is part of my soul group, no other way to explain it.
I am so full of thoughts after talking to her. And as I pondered where all this was coming from, it dawned on me... caffeine. I had a liter of Dr.Pepper tonight! I haven't had caffeine in quite some time, I'm like a two year old with a Hershy bar!
1am. Tristan woke and needed assistance back to bed. Probably a place I should start thinking about. I'll just add it to the plethora of topics on list this evening. Like moving. I am so ready to move an hour drive out of my life. Granted I'm sure I'll be out to visit my parents, but I won't mind that once a week-ish. To be able to actually run to the store, or walk if so inclined.
I figure at this point the baby will be waking up soon, why not wait it out. But what if he sleeps til 4am again?? So I wake him and feed him. But then I am reinforcing waking up more often to nurse! Ahh the ramblings of a sleep deprived mad woman, aka: a mom.

And the COO's have it!

2005-07-13T23:09:00.000-07:00

Zander has progressed into the little talker. Usually first thing after breakfast he can talk your ear off. Leaves me to wonder what it is he is chatting about. He has also taking a liking to mimicking facial expressions. I have yet to see Tristan catch on to our little ball of laughs, but once he does he'll have his own personal audience.
Now just because Zander has not caught Tristan's eye yet, does not mean the opposite has not happened. I was mid diaper change for Z-man, when Tristan rushed in with vital news. He babbled and yammered on frantically for a few minutes then dashed off after an abrupt "Aaa-kay!". I had heard the ooh-ing and ahh-ing going on from the floor but once I saw my wide eyed chunker I had to laugh. Poor guy was breaking his little neck trying to follow where Tristan had dashed off to, all smiles. Just makes me so excited and anxious for Zander to be hot on Tristan's heels.
As each day passes and Zander pushes the 7week mark, I am astonished at how fast time flies. As a preggie I couldn't wait another day for him to be out. And now I kick myself for each day that passes that is not caught on film. I realize that just as the days of Tristan's coo's have passed so quickly into memory, so will Zander's. And some day I will find myself digging through old photos and memories to tell their girlfriends, wives, and someday children all about my babies.

Family Bonding

2005-07-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

Zander has become so much more aware this past week. If you catch his eye you may just get a warm fuzzy smile or a gleeful coo. He will shriek in delight and gurgle the sweetest sounds, none of which were the case today... more so this afternoon.
We had made plans to venture to the "farm", aka Jer's office. Our plans: to BBQ and swim, enjoying a family filled Fourth of July. We packed up all preparations and Zander's swing to keep him entertained. I even braved buying a new bathing suit and putting my pale body in it to swim.
I'd swear he ate all but the first half hour we were there. And in that half we unpacked, I pumped, and we decided to jump in the pool before baby awoke. Tristan was all suited up in his swim attire, the safety vest, but refused to get in the pool. He seemed to be afraid, something that has never been the case before. He has always loved to swim, but alas today he cried in torture as we begged him to swim with us.
We no sooner stopped begging the 2 year old, and the baby woke up to eat. I dried and fed him the entire 4ounces I pumped. Jer got out to cook our burgers and with cooking and eating time, 20 minutes, Zander-man was fussing again. I prepped another 2ounces but he fell back asleep. So back into the pool when...... the demanding cries of an infant withering away to nothing. Jer's turn. Z-man pounded down the 2ounces and took an additional 2.5 from me. I thought he had to be done. We swam a last little bit and Tristan was dirty and wearing thin from playing in the outdoor heat. T and I took a quick shower and dressed. I could hear Zander talking back to Jer in the living room. I knew his teasing coos were turning to hunger pains. I zipped around to clean up our mess and before I could finish I was high in demand.
I know this child does not suffer form failure to thrive; heck he looks to be 2months old! I moved up to 3-6 month clothes and may have to move up a size in diapers soon also. Does Wal-Mart happen to exchange the wrong size diapers?? I just love his fat cheeks so much; I could just munch on them! He is just a sweetie though, growing like a weed. I couldn't have asked for a better baby.
I have to throw in how proud I am of my little man. Tristan, for tackling his 2s, has done great adjusting to Zander. I know I feel worn through some days, but I am truly blessed by my family. My boys are healthy, smart, and happy. I have a wonderful husband who adores me as much as I do him. We have the same aspirations for our lives and children. When I think of what others are going through in their everyday, I realize how blissful I should be. Funny how you have to look outside, to see the beauty within.

For the very first time

2005-06-27T16:08:00.001-07:00

I had originally intended to start this journal after returning home from the hospital with Zander. I had wanted to record my initial feeling and experiences of staying at home with two boys two years apart. But as any mom of a newborn will tell you, they leave little time for matters that do not immediately need attention. So you can imagine my life with a newborn and a two year old! I had thought staying at home would leave me with more time to get to my scrap booking, start a journal that documents my new adventure of stay-at-home mom to two young boys, or hell, paint my toenails! But alas, this is the first I have done of any of my good intentions. Between all the diaper changes, meals, nursings, pumpings, clothing changes, dishes, laundry, cleaning up of messes, all while recovering from less than adequate sleep, I find little time to do the less than important tasks that would require me to not have two-year old assistance. But this is my commitment to making time. If even on a weekly basis.
Zander Turned one month old yesterday and I can't think of anything I did in the past month. You can however see what Zander did this month... in his chubby thighs, his pudgy cheeks and the oh so round piggy belly. He has become quite the chunker for a baby his length! He looks two months old already. And I am amazed at how different he is from Tristan at his age, both in looks and in personality. He is more vocal with his tone. Tristan would just cry and scream when attention was desired; Zander seems to be more conversational about it. At least for a one month old.
Tristan has bloomed into an all out two year old. His words are getting clearer, but he gets frustrated really fast. He can throw a monster of a tantrum, but not too often. If only he would stay out of the fridge! It's not like he's getting something to eat or drink... perhaps it's just too hot!
I so can't wait for the weather to cool back down, but I have a wait before that happens. Once we can go swimming we'll be in good shape. But to be stuck inside the large portion of the day can get to you. And once we move back to civilization and it's not such an excursion to go to the mall just to walk around or have play dates we'll be great. T-man just needs an outlet for all his toddler energy.
I suppose that I am not officially a stay-at-home mom yet since I technically still have a job to go back to, all be it for a short time. And those couple of weeks should be interesting. I'm sure they will be as much of a haze as this past month has been.
So I have completed my very first entry to what I hope becomes a significant outlet for my busy weeks of motherhood. I hope to fill it with our everyday little triumphs, my goals and ideals, and those thoughts I keep losing cause I haven't wrote them down! Let's set our first goal small and commit to once a week, but more often if children permit.